Day 50

Yesterday was Day 50 and it was amazing! I skipped out on a wedding to be a sober mom. The old me would have gotten a babysitter and went to the wedding. I would’ve been drunk by seven, blacked out by ten, and passed out by one in the morning. Today I’d be hurting and out of commission until noon.

Instead I had my husband go to the wedding to represent us. My daughter and I went to Barnes & Noble and spent two hours reading and looking at children’s books. After that we went to Fleet Farm and picked out a harness, lead rope, brush, and apple flavored treats. (I’ll explain later) We grabbed supper in a drive through involving a happy meal, and had a picnic outside under beautiful flowering trees. After we got home we had enough daylight left to go pick agates.

Picking agates is very therapeutic. All you need is a bucket, a good eye for red, and an ear to listen to, “Is this an agate mommy?” I look down at the dusty gray piece of gravel and say, “It’s beautiful!” At least I don’t say “yes” which would be a complete lie. Usually about 1 out of 10 of her treasures are actual agates:)

After agate picking we went to my in-laws house/farm. They were up North at their cabin so we fed the farm cats. Then we chased the four little calves back into the pasture with their mommas. There’s a set of twins in the bunch and they are all spring babies. Sooooo cute!

After an eventful evening we went home again to have our nightly ‘Pajama Party!’ We usually race to see who can get their jammies on first, then I tuck my daughter in and we read books.

I never read a lot and I still do not. I can remember all of the books I’ve read and count them on both hands. I’ve always wished I could get more into books. I never read to my daughter when I was drinking either. I was selfish. The night time was my time. I make up for it all by a lengthy night ritual which we both thoroughly enjoy.

We start with ‘My Little Book About God’ which she always calls ‘bible study’. Then we proceed with ‘The Going to Bed Book’. There’s a page that says…”and when the moon is on the rise, they all go up to…” This is when she yells, “to Extercized?” It’s supposed to be ‘exercise’ and not as a question, but that is the joy of reading to a child. Their interpretation of books is so cute. We then read ‘Five Little Sleepyheads’ and this little prayer book grandpa got her. We complete our extravaganza with a nursery rhyme book. It has all your night time classics like, Twinkle Twinkle, Star Light Star Bright, Diddle Diddle Dumpling, Hush Little Baby, Rock a Bye Baby, Jack be Nimble, and it ends in me singing ‘All Through the Night’. That is what my mom and dad sung me when I was tucked in as a child.

I don’t remember much as small children, but the things I do remember are mostly the good as I am notorious for repressing the bad. I do remember pretending like I fell asleep on the couch watching T.V. so I’d get a free ride to my bedroom. Either mom or dad would scoop me up and carry me to my room to tuck me in. By about the hallway to my room I’d slowly open one eye and peak up to see which one was carrying me. I’d then shut my eye and always feel safe. Usually by the end of my journey I’d open my eyes so they’d see I was awake now. This would by me goodnight song. Then they’d sing, “Sleep my child and peace attend thee, all through the night. Guardian angels God will send thee…” I think that is why I end in this song for my daughter. I want her to have sweet memories of me.

Today will be a good day also. I am bringing home a horse named Skid. I am so excited I could hardly sleep last night! He is a papered miniature horse with black hair and blue eyes, all 34 inches of him. They must be under 36 inches to be classifies as a true mini. He got his name from his silly behavior as a colt. He’d run head on as fast as he could at something and then slide into it as if he were sliding into home plate. He’d always stop about a foot shy of the object and then look up at it.

This is also why he is free to a good home and I decided to adopt him. He tried to ‘skid’ under a fence and got up and there was a fence above him. He panicked and injured his back. Now he has a bump on his back and a horse with a good blood line and papers is worthless to people who show them if they aren’t perfect to look at. A patient where I work raises them. We go get Skid today! I joked with my daughter at Fleet and said, “What in the world are we going to do with all this horse stuff? We don’t have a horse?” She said, “You are silly mom.”

I hope she likes him. If not, I will love and care for him. I grew up with a quarter horse named daisy. Horses are good animals to grow up with. You must earn their respect by proper care. They teach responsibility because the require daily attention. They also teach respect as they can sense fear and won’t listen if disrespected. You must earn their love and affection. Perfect for an only child!

I am so excited! I will post pictures tonight of Skid.

Day 40-49

I actually blogged a Day 40 nine days ago, I won’t put the entire thing on here as it is a little vulgar, but here’s a taste of my mood that day...

May 5, 2010 6:01:00 AM
I'm gonna be completely honest, I'm annoyed. I want to drink so bad right now. I used to enjoy writing my posts and reading my comments. It has become something I feel I have to do and the enjoyment has passed. I would begin and end my day with positive thoughts and closure with specific therapy tools that I have embraced from the past. Now I type, erase, retype, erase, retype and cross my fingers. You've all sucked the life out of me again and once again I cannot do anything right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Unless you've been through alcohol treatment several times and know what is healthy and effective when quitting, don't judge my methods. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all. I can feel my heart pounding right now and I want to scream! I want to drink and numb these angry feelings because anger isn't healthy. I specifically said I don't have any resentment or wouldn't change a thing. I sugar coated the crap out of the last two blogs because I know how critical everybody is.

I had to quit blogging to gather my thoughts. I had lost all desire. A couple nights ago I had a dream that I was swimming at this pool and I couldn’t catch be breath or swim very well. It was all very labored. I went to one of my favorite dream interpretation websites and this is what I found.

“To see a pool of water in your dream, indicates that you need to understand and deal with your emotions. You need to dive right in. Alternatively, a pool may indicate your need for cleansing. You need to wash away the past. “

This is from dreammoods.com. I really enjoy this website. The ‘dream dictionary’ has everything from A to Z that you may come across in your dream and what your dreams are telling you. In this particular dream I would have to agree. I do need to wash away the past. I need to move forward. Plus, it has proved to be a thorn in everyone’s side when I talk about the past. So, you are welcome! Those who comment who cannot stand that I am helping myself, you are welcome. I am giving up the section of my therapy that is most important and made me who I am today. I do not like to disappoint others so I give up.

On a brighter note, I’m still sober! Tomorrow will be Day 50! My sister just sent me a beautiful blue bracelet with gorgeous glass beads and a metallic pendant with praying hands on one side and the Serenity Prayer on the back. I not only treasure it but I will wear it with pride as I have earned it.

The past ten days I’ve been in a depressed state of no desire. I haven’t been able to concentrate or finish anything. I have also felt physical pain. I’ve been to the Chiropractor and had acupuncture a total of four times and this chronic neck pain and migraine just will not go away.
My body aches, I’ve gained weight, (even after not drinking for 49 days?!) and I haven’t had a period in two months and I’m not pregnant. My anxiety has crested.

I think my anxiety meds cannot even fight my confused liver and body. Thankfully I have my annual physical on Tuesday the 18th and I will get to the bottom of this set back.

This is basically where I’ve been for the last week and a half. I will quit whining now and suck it up. Let’s talk business.

My dream last night requires no interpretation website. I dreamt that I relapsed and drove wasted all the way to Minneapolis and then back to my parent’s house in my dad’s vehicle. I had crashed into and ruined a bunch of my grandmother’s lawn furniture and parked my dad’s car horribly into his garage damaging it some more. My parents were so disappointed. I was so ashamed. Don’t ask me why I lived at my parent’s house again. In my dream everyone knew this would happen because I had fallen distant and quit blogging.

I know this wouldn’t happen, but I think I need to stay accountable so I don’t fall into old habits. The dream also reminds me of a part of my therapy that is very important. I apologized to my husband and daughter and friends for my past behavior, however, I there are more who deserve apologies. This dream makes it clear that I have done reckless things in the past when I was under my parent’s roof.

Mom, I am so sorry for disappointing you all those years. I am sorry for all the sleepless nights when you would hope I would stumble in rather than an officer knock at your door. I am sorry for the many mornings you spent more time trying to get me out of bed than getting yourself ready for your long work days. I apologize for the thousands of dollars I wasted on basketball camps that didn’t pay off. I’m sorry for the thousands of dollars you paid when I was very young on court fines, fees, detention center charges, etc… I’m sorry for ever hurting your feelings. I’m sorry for the embarrassment I cost you. I’m sorry for all the lying and cheating and stealing. I’m sorry for causing any pain. I am so sorry that I was such a hurricane of emotions. I’m sorry for any years of enjoyment I robbed you of. I’m sorry for ever making you think it was your fault or if there was anything you could have done different. The answer to that is NO! This was my little run with the devil and you couldn’t have prevented it in any way. You were and are the most amazing, kind hearted woman in the world. You are so sweet and positive and supportive and gentle. Grandpa Ray agrees. I’m truly sorry and I am asking for your forgiveness. I love you so much mom.

Day 39

My dad was on the road a lot with his job and my mom worked a lot also. They had to work long hours to keep up with the mortgage, old debt, and three daughters. They had to keep up with my middle sister’s band trips and basketball camps. She always had something to go to or participate in that cost a lot of money. My mom and dad provided for us very well. They never said no even when it probably meant only being able to put $10 in their gas tank. They sacrificed so much so their girls would have the perfect prom dress or the latest Girbaud’s or Z-Cavaricci’s.

We were spoiled if you ask me. My eldest sister wasn't spoiled because she didn't allow herself to be spoiled. She always had a job and was extremely responsible. She worked hard and earned everything she had. She kept her door padlocked to keep her pesty sisters out. I think deep down the eldest was annoyed that our other sister got everything and she only got what she paid for out of pocket.

What seems obvious now was the last justification we would've had as kids. My eldest sister was very independent and her personality type didn't allow her to accept 'charity' from mom and dad. She thrived on making my parents proud, especially dad, to subconciously make up for the mistakes she had made when we lived in Minnesota. It was like she thought she needed to redeem herself or something. I still loved her either way.

My middle sister accepted anything mom and dad had to give. This is why I know my niece and nephew will be taken care of. She has turned into a wonderful provider and mother. No matter what the cost mentally or physically, she puts her children above her needs. She reminds me of my mom that way.

And then there was me, the youngest. I wanted to please everyone. I wanted everyone to get along. I was a modern day hippy. "Peace, love, and happiness...or hair grease"...depending on where you are geographically. I didn't like to bother people and I didn't like asking for money from mom or dad if I needed it. I got along with both of my sisters and annoyed the crap out of them at times too.

There are always pros and cons to everthing. My sister's teenage years hold an awkward time in their memories and even talking to them today, I sense they hold onto a little unhealthy resentment. But they blossomed into wonderful woman. What used to be their weaknesses are now their strengths. Myself, on the other hand, had a weak personality that may have kept my parents blood pressure low while I was younger but put it off the charts when I landed a life of reckless behavior.

I'm so lucky I had wonderful parents and sisters with such good influence to keep me breathing. I wouldn't be here today if my family circumstances were any different. Thank you Mom, Dad, Eldest, Middle:) I love you all so much.

Girls, don't be mad at this next section. Keep in mind these are my feelings from when I was little and I am a different person now. I have NO resentments or regrets about my birth order. I loved and still love being the youngest. It made me who I am growing into right now. If mom reads this post she'll probable start quoting lines from Poison..."Every Rose has it's thorn..." ;)

I was always on the sidelines, literally. Being the youngest can is usually a tough birth order because although you are loved and taken care of, there are so many expectations and exceptions. People are constantly comparing and judging. It was very frustrating when I was good at different things than my middle sister, especially when it came to basketball.

People thought that just because I was tall and we shared the same blood as Michael Jorden, I mean my sister, that I would be equally as good. Wrong. I was okay. I was a good defensive player and she was a good all around player. It’s odd being on the same varsity team as your senior sister. It’s also odd playing the same position. I thought it would be cool, but I would get stage fright and loath being on the court if she were too. I felt like every time I got the ball people would wait for me to do something incredible with it, like score. I’d freeze. When she would get the ball it was always magical. I could practically hear "We are the champions, my friends..." or the whistling theme when the Globetrotters come on. I would just pass it off just as fast as I could to avoid the attention. I’ve never liked to draw extra attention to myself…I said I never liked to draw attention to myself. I didn’t say I never DREW attention to myself. I was good at that...but it was usually negative.

Do you have any idea what it’s like to play in a Varsity basketball game with one of the toughest coaches in the district? How about when you lose? Post game we would watch a video of the game in slow motion so the coach could critique our every move. This is a useful approach when trying to see where you can improve. It’s not so useful when you are constantly told you need to position, or check, or rebound just like your sister. After getting lectured after games on how I should be more like my sister, I would go home and get the same advice from my dad.

This kind of psychological garbage is just a normal part of life. To someone with my personality who wants her own identity and likes to try new things, it’s a ‘not so normal’ part of life. I remember trying to ignore my feelings of disappointment. I felt like I never did anything right. I hated not meeting expectations. I needed to be good at my own things. I wanted people to remember me as me and not the little sister of that great basketball player.

I quickly found friends who were the opposite of my sister and her friends. They loved that I was coming over to the ‘dark side’. I loved rebelling. The ‘bad kids’ thought it was cool that I wasn’t hanging out with the jocks, and the most popular kids and gave them the time of day. They loved seeing an athlete and a ‘goody two shoes’ skip school and do naughty things. I loved the praise I received from my new followers. They put me on a pedestal and soaked up anything I said or did.

I remember when the school day ended. I would go lift weights and work out before basketball practice, and then go to the 1-2 hour practice. I would rush outside the lower gym after practice and smoke a cigarette before I got in my car to go home. Wow! What the hell was I thinking? I actually remember thinking I was cool because I could do everything an athlete could, and still smoke disgusting cigarettes. Kids are so naïve.

I thought my eldest sister was cool too. She always had hot boyfriends with their own apartments and she smoked and listened to rock music. She was so responsible and was a functioning rebel. I remember when she got her very own apartment with her friend. I was so proud of her and envious at the same time. I bragged to all my friends about it. I remember going there and wanting to ask her to buy me and my friends cigarettes or alcohol, but being too chicken shit to ask. I respected her way too much. Neither of my sisters were ever a bad influence on me.

My middle sister was in the paper weekly with the most impressive basketball statistics. She’d be on the front cover of the local sports page in a huge picture with a great write up. I remember clipping and saving all of these articles for her and making a scrapbook.I was so proud of her.

I remember the first time I was in the paper. There was a write up about a party that got busted and over 40 minors were given out. The men’s and woman’s varsity basketball teams lost 40% of their players. It was at my boyfriend’s house, and not only got my first alcohol charge of many, but I got kicked off the varsity basketball team. Anyone who was anyone was at this party. My sister and her crew even stopped in but were lucky enough to get out before the cops came. That was an insane event and eye opener for the school and all of our parents. That is when everyone started cracking down and I had to start being more creatively sneaky.

My sister graduated and went to a University on a full ride basketball scholarship and my boyfriend graduated and went away to a University as well. All of the good influences I had left and people to look out for me and take care of me were gone just like that. I was alone and had to start from scratch again. I was now at the bottom of the totem poll again.

This is when I fell hard and fast and hit rock bottom. I’m talking about when cigarettes and alcohol turned into a nightmare.

Day 38

If you have tried cigarettes and enjoyed the ‘high’ but don’t get the same feeling when you smoke them anymore, chances of you being comfortable trying marijuana if it’s offered to you are pretty likely. This terrifies me because my daughter is only 3 and I catch her pretending she’s smoking looking in the mirror. She’ll have one hand on her hip and she’ll be in a movie star position with a pen or straw in her other hand smoking it. One of her grandmas whom she loves dearly smokes and my daughter now thinks it’s what you are supposed to do because her dear sweet grandma does it.

I’ve never smoked around her and now that she’s old enough to remember everything I don’t want her to see alcohol glorified and drank around her. This is one of the main reasons I quit. All the experts say your value system is developed from birth to age 5. This is a crucial time when children develop beliefs. I am now terrified she will smoke one day and then follow in my footsteps. That is why I thought it was okay to smoke cigarettes. I thought that’s what the cool grown-ups did. My beautiful mother did it so I wanted to. I was the youngest of three girls and I was always too little to be included so when I had the chance, I wanted to grow up quick and do grown up things.

I know you’ll be comfortable with marijuana if you smoke because I was. I wasn’t afraid to try it and thank God I hated it. That is one drug I never could stand. It made me giggle until my cheeks were sore and eat like a pig and then sit in a daze with no care in the world for hours. You couldn’t control it. You were lazy and numb and relaxed and tired. I did not like drugs that ‘tranquilized’ me. I preferred anything that gave me energy and woke me up.

So I tampered with cigarettes and tried marijuana in 7th and 8th grade. There would also be the occasional party and there would be alcohol. I drank occasionally. Someone would usually bring a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 or a few Colt 45’s or Mickey’s 40s. You would chug as much as you could handle and pass it on. At that point I would usually get an enjoyable buzz and that’s it. We were too young to get our own yet so we just drank what we could and usually that wasn’t much. The only drinking memory I have from my pre high school days was being at a party and one of my girlfriends got a bottle of Everclear from her older brother. I binge drank almost half the bottle. I remember because I’m sure I had alcohol poisoning. I was so drunk and so sick. That was the first time out of the 3 times I puked in my life from alcohol. I always prayed to God he would turn me into a puker. He never graced me with this request. I knew I had a problem early on.

I only did these bad things occasionally and then I entered high school. This was a whole different community. The things we did in Junior High weren’t as accepted in high school. There was more pressure to be academically or athletically recognized. I had a sister who was popular and a recognized athlete. She was an all star basketball player. She broke school records and won awards. I remember how much I wanted to be just like her. I was so proud to be her sister. I stood tall my freshman year and loved being noticed as her little sister. I had older friends and hung out with the juniors and seniors. I rode around with popular guys who drove nicer cars than my parents had. I was on top of the world.

Day 37

My eldest sister, who has taught both fifth and sixth graders, said she’d like to know how and when my drug addiction started. She said her students have expressed curiosity on how addiction progresses also. These are fantastic questions. I think educating our children is very important. Although this is part of my past it still plays a big role in my alcoholism I’m battling currently.

It all started in seventh grade. I went from elementary to middle school. I was a teenager and these years were very awkward. Peer pressure and self esteem mixed with a bad influence or two become recipes for disaster. The culprit that opened the flood gates to the drug world are cigarettes. You go to a party or two and some kid who probably stole cigarettes from one of his parents brings them to a party to be cool and pressures other kids into trying one. Some of the victims may have seen an older kid doing it and thought it looked cool, or seen cigarettes glamorized on T.V. or the movies.

Although I was in D.A.R.E. and you learn in school to ‘Just say no!’ it doesn’t prepare the weak for that moment when some idiot passes a cigarette your way and says, “Want a drag?” and you look around and the whole room is looking at you and the pressures on and you just want to fit in. You want to be loved. You want to be cool. Terrified, you say yes. It is at that moment, at that weak moment, that the devil tightens his leash one more notch. This is the time in a teen’s life that sets the pace for the rest of their teenage years.

If you gave in you could be a follower, someone who hates to disappoint people or someone who likes to try new things. I was all three. The leaders aren’t at that party because their parents wouldn’t let them go. I was also a leader but I was also a trusted good kid most of the time so it was easy to lie to my parents and sneak out to bad places. There are also the kids who are there but do not have strong personalities. They avoid the peer pressure situation which is a good thing, but they always stand in the sidelines as a spectator. They knew it was wrong and didn’t like what was going on but didn’t have the authority to stop it. Maybe these are the kids that go into law enforcement or become treatment counselors. They can finally speak out and help both the ‘kid that was pressured’ and put the ‘bullies’ behind bars or help them.


Today some ignorant psychologist on ‘The Doctors’ said she had been an addiction expert for 15 years and she didn’t believe there were such things as gateway drugs. She probably studied addiction in a text book and just doesn’t get it or know. Any chemical can be a gateway drug. I strongly believe in them.


For me cigarettes were my gateway drug. You try it to be cool and the first one makes you cough and feel light headed. Then at the next party the same scenario comes up and because you know it ‘wasn’t that bad’ and you try it again. You think you just scored two more points with the ‘cool kids’, but you just disabled yourself for a long time. The problem that arose is that this one doesn’t make you sick. This one actually makes you feel great. You get buzzed, or high, which is a sense of euphoria.

You like this feeling and it feels different than anything you’ve experienced, so you do it again and again. You may only do it at parties, but what you don’t realize that is happening in your body is that the drug nicotine in the cigarettes is actually addictive. Pretty soon you actually crave it and want more. The sad thing is that by this time, you will never feel the same sense of euphoria as you did with your fist few cigarettes. Your bodies will never in your life feel the same again. What a waste! Satin has some nasty tricks he likes to play on teens.

I’ll explain what drug came next later. I’m tired:)

Day 36

Being sober gives me a whole new meaning of the term ‘beer goggles’. My new beer goggles consist of those days when everything reminds me alcohol. I recently got a second job to help hit my goal of being ‘debt free by 2011’. So during training they sit me next to this guy that reeks of alcohol. He reminded me of my grandfather when I was younger when he spoke. Then the other night my husband and I went out to eat and you pretty much had to jump over the wine display to get to the hostess station. And wouldn’t you know they had a 20 minute wait but immediate seating in the lounge area. It was eight o’clock on a Saturday night and the Twins were playing so you can imagine the atmosphere in the lounge. There were your typical men with their 200 ounce beers victory fist bumping and women with chic drinks like margaritas and daiquiris that looked like swimming pools for Chihuahuas.

Day 35

Okay, I’m not going to talk about food addiction. I get it. My cigarette blog proved to be very controversial and I had many people ask me about it. One reaction I received was OUCH. Some asked me if I smoked. Someone joked about me thinking I was an expert just because I had 37 days under my belt.

For starters, no I do not smoke. I also do not think I am an expert on addiction. I am however very ‘seasoned’ when speaking about addiction. I’ve been through professional treatment programs and I’m a very good listener. I am also very passionate about chemical dependency. I miraculously pulled out of a 2 year cocaine addiction that almost killed me, I quit smoking after 13 years, and I am now battling alcoholism and I’m on day 38. I may not be an expert, but I will say I’ve come a long way and I’m confident that I can offer useful advice. I would much rather hire someone with experience than someone who learned it only from a textbook.

The reason I spoke so bleak about smoking is because I have very close loved ones who have cried out to me and asked for help to quit. They also have made comments on my blogs about how the honesty in the blogs are helping them. I took my interpretation and wrote a brutally honest eye opening smoking post, so sue me.

I do love feedback from people. I enjoy reading the comments more than writing some days. It’s neat to see people using metaphors and debating live in the comments. I love constructive criticism and advice so bring it. Please add comments and if you are not comfortable you can leave them anonymous.

Day 34

I'll give you a good real life example of these helpful quiting tools and how they helped me when I almost relapsed yesterday. The day began and I was going to work my second job. My husband took my daughter with a friend of his and his daughter for a little outing. When I was done with my work I phoned my husband and he said he'll "be home in a little bit". I told him "since I worked 55 hours this week I'd like to get out of the house and do something nice for dinner". I meant just him and I but did not tell him this. Remember always to be extremely detailed when dealing with men.

The clock turned to to 1, then 2, and 3 and 4 and by five o'clock I was steaming. By blood was boiling and I assumed he was off with our daughter and his buddy drinking beer and galavanting. I was so pissed off and wondered if my daughter was okay. Were they driving with kids under the influence? Did they feed the girls? Did they nap? Are they warm enough? I was so worried and irate!

I calmed myself down with positive thoughts and breathing exercises. I decided to trust him as a father. He called around 6:30 and asked what I had planned. I got annoyed and reminded him that I told him what I wanted to do earlier and that he never listens. He then interrupted and mentioned going to his favorite restaurant. I was relieved. He did listen for once. Then he redeemed my suspicion and said our friend's family of 4 was going to meet us there.

I got annoyed and told him to have fun as I hung up the phone. He called back and asked if I had any better suggestions and I told him again that I was not interested in doing that and to have fun. I also told him to drop off my daughter on the way because I need to take her to the babysitter so I can go out to eat like originally planned, but by myself. Now he got annoyed.

He told me he'd come home in a little while. Meanwhile, I was so pissed of that he wanted to invite a family of four to our frickin' date night. I worked fifty five hours this week and I worked the next day so I need a sanity break even if it's two hours alone with my husband at a restaurant.

That's when the 'stinkin' thinkin' started. I thought screw him! If he wants to run and play all day with his buddy, who had been there the evening before, and even overnight, then fine. I know they were drinking beer. I'm not going to be one of those people who quits doing something and then criticises everyone who still does it, I'm not. But you better believe I was annoyed at the fact of when he called around one and it is now six thirty and he not once called a sober responsible parent (myself) and asked if I can come get the girls so they are safe. I was pissed off that he was going to ruin date night because he'd rather be with his friends than alone with his wife.

I'll show him! I'm going to run up to the bar and have one or two and go home. This way, when he comes home buzzed up I will be also and I can say, "Why is it okay if you do it but not me?" I'll show him! I try so hard everyday and work my ass off for this family and get no escape! I don't see why I have to do everything and get nothing in return. Screw it! I'm gonna go have just one. I don't even care if I've made it 37 days. (I'm behing on my blogging, I'm actually at 37)If I did it once, I can do it again.

I continued thinking negatively and then started a paperwork project for my second job and forgot how mad I was. Then my husband, his friend, and the girls arrived back home. His friend asked my if we were all going to go out to eat and I quickly remembered why I was so mad. I esponded, "The last thing I want to do after a fifty five hour work week is go to a nice restaurant with the girls who haven't napped, and will throw crabby fits and embarrass me at the restaurant! Going out to eat with two tired three year olds is as relaxing as running a marathon!" He replied, "I understand, that's cool."

My husband said, "Why didn't you just tell me that, that makes sense." The moral of my story; I am a fool. I actually considered breaking my sobriety and going to go have a cocktail because men are not mind readers. If I would just realize that they do not listen, they hear what they want to hear, and they cannot read minds, I'd be in a lot better shape. Wow! I'm an idiot! Again, this disease is ruthless! Thank God I've been practicing for 37 days and now that I know how to use the tools I subconciously started doing paperwork that stopped my from thinking about the bar anymore. I remember thinking of how disappointe my family would be. I even thought about being $200 dollars poorer (inside joke).I thought positive thoughts for awhile. I subconciously calmed myself down defore they arrived home.

Thank you God.

To elaborate on my husbands status, he was not drunk, he said he had a headache so he couldn't drink much and he was sober. We ended up getting a babysitter for long enough to go out to eat. We enjoyed eachothers company and had a fantastic evening. It sure was nice.

Day 33

…continued from Day 32. I forgot to offer advice on way to quit smoking and how to recognize triggers. Look at the reasons and times you have a cigarette. If you are serious about quitting, then you need to have a quit plan for those particular moments. For instance, after you eat, do the dishes or write in a journal or suck on something that would taste horrible with a cigarette.

After a day of work, reward yourself by going to the bank and putting $5 if a separate special smoking savings account. When you are on the phone, be sure both hands are in the dirt or doing something so you cannot smoke. Only allow yourself to call people during times when you normally would not be available to smoke.

Have 2 or 3 projects going at all times. This way if you think you need a cigarette, but don’t feel like doing your outside project, stay in and keep your hands busy with your inside project. Sorting things like old photos, paperwork, and ‘missing pair socks’ are great hand occupying tasks.

The goal is to kick the habit first. Once you’ve kicked the motion of keeping your mouth and hands busy, then you are half way there. Recognizing what triggers smoking is the psychological part of the battle. Have a cheat sheet with you that is similar to this:

Why do I want a cigarette?

*Something or someone upset you...Read passages from an inspiring book to remind you of positive thoughts

*You just ate...Do dishes and suck on black licorice or something that tastes horrible with cigarettes

*You just finished something big and 'derserve' a reward...Create a ‘journal of accomplishments’ and note the task, date complete, and how it makes you feel inside

*Bored?...Call a positive influence that knows you are trying to quit and be accountable and tell them you are bored

*Just woke up and have coffee...Read the paper or check your e-mail or Facebook with coffee

*You are going to be driving or riding in a vehicle for a long time...Skip breathing in the carbon monoxide since you’ll be cooped up in a vehicle for awhile anyway and have good singing CD’s or even a audio book (a steamy romance, or positive healing, or self help of some sort)

*You just think you deserve one...Carry a bag of rewards with at all time. It can be money that can be added to you quitting savings account, or small candies you savor

On the bottom of this list should be the names and numbers of your accountability partners. That way if nothing is stopping you and you think you are going to die if you don’t have one, you can call and we’ll ‘talk you off the ledge of relapse’.

I’m not a psychologist nor can I treat or cure disease, but I do have years of personal experience on addiction. I do know of some methods that work.

Day 32

I feel very fortunate to have all of your support and I very much appreciate it. I have been listening to all of you and many have mentioned your own vices you’d like to give up. Some mentioned parenting and not getting frustrated as often, some mentioned smoking cigarettes, and some admitted to food addiction. Whether it is gambling, doing drugs, abusing prescription drugs, shopping, or just plain overspending, we can beat these demons.

I want to help anyone who has been there for me. I have an idea to help some of you with these bad habits. Let me put some things in perspective and have them in the back of your mind the next time you smoke, or eat, or gamble, or shop, etc. Maybe it will help. It may be an approach you haven’t tried.

You will not get a DWI for smoking cigarettes. Overspending won’t give you a hangover that makes you want to die and swear you will never spend a dime again. Being addicted to food won’t get you thrown in jail. Getting frustrated with your children and yelling a little more than you anticipated won’t make you black out and do things you will regret.

What’s worse, jail or terminal cancer? Lung cancer is one of the most preventable and the most terminal of all the cancers. Lung cancer is the leading cause of cancer deaths in both men and woman. Cigarettes are 85% responsible for all lung cancer deaths. They even put the Surgeon Generals Warning right on the cigarette box that states, ‘cigarette smoking causes lung cancer’. They don’t say may cause. Jail won’t kill you in six months to a year and at the most, let you live five years after diagnosis.

Even after knowing the statistics people still smoke. It’s a very hard addiction to break. I know. I’ve been there and quit after thirteen years. I had great incentive though. I quit the day I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. Next time you want to light up, imagine having to prepare for death. First you get the diagnosis for lung cancer, and then you have less than six months to make arrangements. Imagine all the arrangements you have to make with your friends, spouse, children, and grandchildren. Most people are so sick from the chemotherapy they have to quit their jobs, and cannot do much during treatments. They have no energy, they don’t want visitors, and they don’t want to see or talk to anyone. A lot of the time they are so sick they just want to give up right then. Since the diagnosis comes suddenly and there’s not enough time to prep for death, I have a solution that will help you and everyone else.

Instead of smoking a cigarette, get out some paper and a pen. On one piece, go room by room and make an inventory of all of your things. Be very detailed. Don’t even skip a pair of shoes because everything either has a dollar or sentimental value. This could take weeks, so each time you want a smoke, redirect your attention to the list and keep your hands busy by writing. When this list is done, make a list of your friends and family. Highlight each person in a different color. Highlight each item on the list in the person’s color you want it to go to when you die. People will miss you and heirlooms are very sentimental. Be sure to leave a color for charity, for sale, or just to throw away. This helps your spouse and children know what to do with your things after you pass. So many families fight over things after someone goes and there’s a lot of controversy. Do your family a favor and be proactive so they don’t have to decide what to do with everything.

Another important bit of information is be sure to collect everyone on your lists contact info so it’s easier for your children to call everyone to let them know you’ve passed so people know when the funeral will be. Just a couple of ideas to keep your mind ON the negative affects of smoking daily. Hopefully the daily negative long term reminders will help. I know this tactic may seem harsh, but it’s a walk in the park compared to lung cancer.

Really get your mind in this role. Why are you doing this? Why are you in this position? Learn to hate cancer sticks. Look at them as satin’s little whistles. Each time you take a drag you are sending a silent message to satin and he marks another day closer to death on his victory board. Each time you exhale a whistle sounds and alerts satin and he dances in delight as the whistles get louder.

Another way to help this process is keeping a daily log or journal. You can even blog. It’s free and easy and therapeutic. If you choose to have a cigarette you must explain why you wanted one. You must show your journal daily or biweekly to someone to be held accountable. If you and your accountability partners don’t think it’s a good enough reason to smoke a cigarette, then you’ll have to decide what you could have done instead. You need a quit plan and tools for all temptation and triggers. A day may look like this:

4/30/10 7:30 a.m. I just smoked a cigarette to reward myself for getting out of bed.
4/30/10 8:30 a.m. I smoked a cigarette to reward myself for drinking a cup of coffee.
4/30/10 9:30 a.m. I smoked a cigarette to keep myself occupied while on the phone because what the person had to say sounded so much better with a cigarette.
4/30/10 10:30 a.m. I smoked a cigarette to reward myself for going to work.
4/30/10 2:30 p.m. I smoked a cigarette to relax on break. (Nicotine is a stimulant not a depressant.)
4/30/10 4:00 p.m. I smoked a cigarette to reward myself for working a full day.
4/30/10 5:30 p.m. I smoked a cigarette to reward myself for driving home from work. 4/30/10 6:30 p.m. I smoked a cigarette to reward myself for eating supper.
4/30/10 7:30 pm. I smoked a cigarette once again to accompany me on the phone because the cigarette is clearly as important as the person I’m talking to.
4/30/10 8:30 p.m. I paused my favorite show to smoke a cigarette because although it was just getting good the show is even better after a cigarette.
4/30/10 10:00 p.m. I smoked a cigarette before I cash in for the night because I already have to take Tylenol PM to sleep, why not counter act them with a stimulant drug? This will buy me time to read a book before I fall asleep.

Total for day: 11 (Not bad, most people smoke a pack a day which holds 20.) This was a work day though. On the weekends this journal would be longer and the time between cigarettes would probably be a half an hour. Do any of these reasons sound silly to you? Can you think of any logical reasons you could have posted on this journal for having one? Are there any logical explanations for suicide? Are there other things you could’ve been doing during this time? Since you were rewarding yourself for daily activities you deserve a prize. Give yourself a pat on the back and cross eleven days of your life. Ouch! Sorry this psycho therapy is so sobering. But my goal is to help others. You must eat, sleep, and breathe that cigarettes are bad in order to get in a mind set that you don’t want one. I wish someone would’ve laid out the hard truth like this to me. Tough love is a good thing.

These are the reasons so many people continue to do these things. They don’t realize how bad a lot of their addictions are. You may continue to say you’ll quit one day, or you’ll just do it once a week, or only smoke when you drink (this one is a double decker killer. ) You can even quit for short periods of time just to convince others and yourself that you don’t have a problem. If you make up excuses, blame, or have to justify why you are doing it, it probably isn’t something you should be doing. If you have to do it in the closet, hide it, or regret doing it, it’s not healthy. If you think about it constantly and you’re world revolves around it, it’s gone too far. If it’s something you need to quit, then it’s bad for you.

I hope I don’t offend anyone. I am just trying to help lay it out like any other addiction. You need to journal to target your trigger points. Once you admit you have a problem, and truly want to quit, the next step is finding out why you are really smoking. Most people’s bad habits are psychological. Start referring to yourself as an addict. Just because cigarettes are legal, doesn’t mean you are not an addict. Alcohol is legal too.

Make a list of things that can be the underlying cause of your problem. Do you have unresolved issues from your childhood? Do you need to forgive and forget about something that could be holding you back? Do you hold resentments? Are you angry? Are you irritated by something or someone? Are you unhappy? Are you lonely? Are you bored? Are you sad?

If you’ve answered yes to any of these it may help you figure out why you are smoking or doing anything that you want to quit doing. You started smoking years ago and it gave you a high and made you feel good. It gave you a false sense of happiness. The drugs in alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes travel down a pathway in your brain and create serotonin. The more you use these things as coping mechanisms, the pathway gets shut down. What that means scientifically is that the drug alters the nerve cells, or neurons, and they eventually get quit working. You keep smoking more and more to get the same effect. Occasionally, you may hit another pathway that hasn’t been altered or fried and get a sensation you pray for, but by the time you are addicted, they’re all fried. You do not get the same effect as before, however, you continue your physical habit because you've tricked yourself into thinking that this drug is making you feel good.

We need to eliminate the reasons that make us want a ‘cigarette’ (this could be anything) and add rewarding and fulfilling things in our lives that produce natural serotonin. Being fulfilled naturally is so much healthier and adds years to your life.

Tomorrow, we'll talk about food addiction.

To be continued…