Day 75

I'm alive and I'm still sober. I've been working 2 jobs and getting in like 70 hours a week so I've been busy. I also parent an almost 4 year old girl and a 30 year old husband who acts like a kid. Did I mention I got a miniature horse and took up agate picking? My sober mind obviously needs things to keep me busy. I've counter addicted many odd things.

I apologize I haven't blogged. I lost my writing spirit a while back and I cannot seem to find where it went. I've found other therapy that helps, plus I don't have much time. Maybe one day I will 'get the itch' again.

Thank you for being so supportive and a good audience.

Day 50

Yesterday was Day 50 and it was amazing! I skipped out on a wedding to be a sober mom. The old me would have gotten a babysitter and went to the wedding. I would’ve been drunk by seven, blacked out by ten, and passed out by one in the morning. Today I’d be hurting and out of commission until noon.

Instead I had my husband go to the wedding to represent us. My daughter and I went to Barnes & Noble and spent two hours reading and looking at children’s books. After that we went to Fleet Farm and picked out a harness, lead rope, brush, and apple flavored treats. (I’ll explain later) We grabbed supper in a drive through involving a happy meal, and had a picnic outside under beautiful flowering trees. After we got home we had enough daylight left to go pick agates.

Picking agates is very therapeutic. All you need is a bucket, a good eye for red, and an ear to listen to, “Is this an agate mommy?” I look down at the dusty gray piece of gravel and say, “It’s beautiful!” At least I don’t say “yes” which would be a complete lie. Usually about 1 out of 10 of her treasures are actual agates:)

After agate picking we went to my in-laws house/farm. They were up North at their cabin so we fed the farm cats. Then we chased the four little calves back into the pasture with their mommas. There’s a set of twins in the bunch and they are all spring babies. Sooooo cute!

After an eventful evening we went home again to have our nightly ‘Pajama Party!’ We usually race to see who can get their jammies on first, then I tuck my daughter in and we read books.

I never read a lot and I still do not. I can remember all of the books I’ve read and count them on both hands. I’ve always wished I could get more into books. I never read to my daughter when I was drinking either. I was selfish. The night time was my time. I make up for it all by a lengthy night ritual which we both thoroughly enjoy.

We start with ‘My Little Book About God’ which she always calls ‘bible study’. Then we proceed with ‘The Going to Bed Book’. There’s a page that says…”and when the moon is on the rise, they all go up to…” This is when she yells, “to Extercized?” It’s supposed to be ‘exercise’ and not as a question, but that is the joy of reading to a child. Their interpretation of books is so cute. We then read ‘Five Little Sleepyheads’ and this little prayer book grandpa got her. We complete our extravaganza with a nursery rhyme book. It has all your night time classics like, Twinkle Twinkle, Star Light Star Bright, Diddle Diddle Dumpling, Hush Little Baby, Rock a Bye Baby, Jack be Nimble, and it ends in me singing ‘All Through the Night’. That is what my mom and dad sung me when I was tucked in as a child.

I don’t remember much as small children, but the things I do remember are mostly the good as I am notorious for repressing the bad. I do remember pretending like I fell asleep on the couch watching T.V. so I’d get a free ride to my bedroom. Either mom or dad would scoop me up and carry me to my room to tuck me in. By about the hallway to my room I’d slowly open one eye and peak up to see which one was carrying me. I’d then shut my eye and always feel safe. Usually by the end of my journey I’d open my eyes so they’d see I was awake now. This would by me goodnight song. Then they’d sing, “Sleep my child and peace attend thee, all through the night. Guardian angels God will send thee…” I think that is why I end in this song for my daughter. I want her to have sweet memories of me.

Today will be a good day also. I am bringing home a horse named Skid. I am so excited I could hardly sleep last night! He is a papered miniature horse with black hair and blue eyes, all 34 inches of him. They must be under 36 inches to be classifies as a true mini. He got his name from his silly behavior as a colt. He’d run head on as fast as he could at something and then slide into it as if he were sliding into home plate. He’d always stop about a foot shy of the object and then look up at it.

This is also why he is free to a good home and I decided to adopt him. He tried to ‘skid’ under a fence and got up and there was a fence above him. He panicked and injured his back. Now he has a bump on his back and a horse with a good blood line and papers is worthless to people who show them if they aren’t perfect to look at. A patient where I work raises them. We go get Skid today! I joked with my daughter at Fleet and said, “What in the world are we going to do with all this horse stuff? We don’t have a horse?” She said, “You are silly mom.”

I hope she likes him. If not, I will love and care for him. I grew up with a quarter horse named daisy. Horses are good animals to grow up with. You must earn their respect by proper care. They teach responsibility because the require daily attention. They also teach respect as they can sense fear and won’t listen if disrespected. You must earn their love and affection. Perfect for an only child!

I am so excited! I will post pictures tonight of Skid.

Day 40-49

I actually blogged a Day 40 nine days ago, I won’t put the entire thing on here as it is a little vulgar, but here’s a taste of my mood that day...

May 5, 2010 6:01:00 AM
I'm gonna be completely honest, I'm annoyed. I want to drink so bad right now. I used to enjoy writing my posts and reading my comments. It has become something I feel I have to do and the enjoyment has passed. I would begin and end my day with positive thoughts and closure with specific therapy tools that I have embraced from the past. Now I type, erase, retype, erase, retype and cross my fingers. You've all sucked the life out of me again and once again I cannot do anything right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Unless you've been through alcohol treatment several times and know what is healthy and effective when quitting, don't judge my methods. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all. I can feel my heart pounding right now and I want to scream! I want to drink and numb these angry feelings because anger isn't healthy. I specifically said I don't have any resentment or wouldn't change a thing. I sugar coated the crap out of the last two blogs because I know how critical everybody is.

I had to quit blogging to gather my thoughts. I had lost all desire. A couple nights ago I had a dream that I was swimming at this pool and I couldn’t catch be breath or swim very well. It was all very labored. I went to one of my favorite dream interpretation websites and this is what I found.

“To see a pool of water in your dream, indicates that you need to understand and deal with your emotions. You need to dive right in. Alternatively, a pool may indicate your need for cleansing. You need to wash away the past. “

This is from dreammoods.com. I really enjoy this website. The ‘dream dictionary’ has everything from A to Z that you may come across in your dream and what your dreams are telling you. In this particular dream I would have to agree. I do need to wash away the past. I need to move forward. Plus, it has proved to be a thorn in everyone’s side when I talk about the past. So, you are welcome! Those who comment who cannot stand that I am helping myself, you are welcome. I am giving up the section of my therapy that is most important and made me who I am today. I do not like to disappoint others so I give up.

On a brighter note, I’m still sober! Tomorrow will be Day 50! My sister just sent me a beautiful blue bracelet with gorgeous glass beads and a metallic pendant with praying hands on one side and the Serenity Prayer on the back. I not only treasure it but I will wear it with pride as I have earned it.

The past ten days I’ve been in a depressed state of no desire. I haven’t been able to concentrate or finish anything. I have also felt physical pain. I’ve been to the Chiropractor and had acupuncture a total of four times and this chronic neck pain and migraine just will not go away.
My body aches, I’ve gained weight, (even after not drinking for 49 days?!) and I haven’t had a period in two months and I’m not pregnant. My anxiety has crested.

I think my anxiety meds cannot even fight my confused liver and body. Thankfully I have my annual physical on Tuesday the 18th and I will get to the bottom of this set back.

This is basically where I’ve been for the last week and a half. I will quit whining now and suck it up. Let’s talk business.

My dream last night requires no interpretation website. I dreamt that I relapsed and drove wasted all the way to Minneapolis and then back to my parent’s house in my dad’s vehicle. I had crashed into and ruined a bunch of my grandmother’s lawn furniture and parked my dad’s car horribly into his garage damaging it some more. My parents were so disappointed. I was so ashamed. Don’t ask me why I lived at my parent’s house again. In my dream everyone knew this would happen because I had fallen distant and quit blogging.

I know this wouldn’t happen, but I think I need to stay accountable so I don’t fall into old habits. The dream also reminds me of a part of my therapy that is very important. I apologized to my husband and daughter and friends for my past behavior, however, I there are more who deserve apologies. This dream makes it clear that I have done reckless things in the past when I was under my parent’s roof.

Mom, I am so sorry for disappointing you all those years. I am sorry for all the sleepless nights when you would hope I would stumble in rather than an officer knock at your door. I am sorry for the many mornings you spent more time trying to get me out of bed than getting yourself ready for your long work days. I apologize for the thousands of dollars I wasted on basketball camps that didn’t pay off. I’m sorry for the thousands of dollars you paid when I was very young on court fines, fees, detention center charges, etc… I’m sorry for ever hurting your feelings. I’m sorry for the embarrassment I cost you. I’m sorry for all the lying and cheating and stealing. I’m sorry for causing any pain. I am so sorry that I was such a hurricane of emotions. I’m sorry for any years of enjoyment I robbed you of. I’m sorry for ever making you think it was your fault or if there was anything you could have done different. The answer to that is NO! This was my little run with the devil and you couldn’t have prevented it in any way. You were and are the most amazing, kind hearted woman in the world. You are so sweet and positive and supportive and gentle. Grandpa Ray agrees. I’m truly sorry and I am asking for your forgiveness. I love you so much mom.

Day 39

My dad was on the road a lot with his job and my mom worked a lot also. They had to work long hours to keep up with the mortgage, old debt, and three daughters. They had to keep up with my middle sister’s band trips and basketball camps. She always had something to go to or participate in that cost a lot of money. My mom and dad provided for us very well. They never said no even when it probably meant only being able to put $10 in their gas tank. They sacrificed so much so their girls would have the perfect prom dress or the latest Girbaud’s or Z-Cavaricci’s.

We were spoiled if you ask me. My eldest sister wasn't spoiled because she didn't allow herself to be spoiled. She always had a job and was extremely responsible. She worked hard and earned everything she had. She kept her door padlocked to keep her pesty sisters out. I think deep down the eldest was annoyed that our other sister got everything and she only got what she paid for out of pocket.

What seems obvious now was the last justification we would've had as kids. My eldest sister was very independent and her personality type didn't allow her to accept 'charity' from mom and dad. She thrived on making my parents proud, especially dad, to subconciously make up for the mistakes she had made when we lived in Minnesota. It was like she thought she needed to redeem herself or something. I still loved her either way.

My middle sister accepted anything mom and dad had to give. This is why I know my niece and nephew will be taken care of. She has turned into a wonderful provider and mother. No matter what the cost mentally or physically, she puts her children above her needs. She reminds me of my mom that way.

And then there was me, the youngest. I wanted to please everyone. I wanted everyone to get along. I was a modern day hippy. "Peace, love, and happiness...or hair grease"...depending on where you are geographically. I didn't like to bother people and I didn't like asking for money from mom or dad if I needed it. I got along with both of my sisters and annoyed the crap out of them at times too.

There are always pros and cons to everthing. My sister's teenage years hold an awkward time in their memories and even talking to them today, I sense they hold onto a little unhealthy resentment. But they blossomed into wonderful woman. What used to be their weaknesses are now their strengths. Myself, on the other hand, had a weak personality that may have kept my parents blood pressure low while I was younger but put it off the charts when I landed a life of reckless behavior.

I'm so lucky I had wonderful parents and sisters with such good influence to keep me breathing. I wouldn't be here today if my family circumstances were any different. Thank you Mom, Dad, Eldest, Middle:) I love you all so much.

Girls, don't be mad at this next section. Keep in mind these are my feelings from when I was little and I am a different person now. I have NO resentments or regrets about my birth order. I loved and still love being the youngest. It made me who I am growing into right now. If mom reads this post she'll probable start quoting lines from Poison..."Every Rose has it's thorn..." ;)

I was always on the sidelines, literally. Being the youngest can is usually a tough birth order because although you are loved and taken care of, there are so many expectations and exceptions. People are constantly comparing and judging. It was very frustrating when I was good at different things than my middle sister, especially when it came to basketball.

People thought that just because I was tall and we shared the same blood as Michael Jorden, I mean my sister, that I would be equally as good. Wrong. I was okay. I was a good defensive player and she was a good all around player. It’s odd being on the same varsity team as your senior sister. It’s also odd playing the same position. I thought it would be cool, but I would get stage fright and loath being on the court if she were too. I felt like every time I got the ball people would wait for me to do something incredible with it, like score. I’d freeze. When she would get the ball it was always magical. I could practically hear "We are the champions, my friends..." or the whistling theme when the Globetrotters come on. I would just pass it off just as fast as I could to avoid the attention. I’ve never liked to draw extra attention to myself…I said I never liked to draw attention to myself. I didn’t say I never DREW attention to myself. I was good at that...but it was usually negative.

Do you have any idea what it’s like to play in a Varsity basketball game with one of the toughest coaches in the district? How about when you lose? Post game we would watch a video of the game in slow motion so the coach could critique our every move. This is a useful approach when trying to see where you can improve. It’s not so useful when you are constantly told you need to position, or check, or rebound just like your sister. After getting lectured after games on how I should be more like my sister, I would go home and get the same advice from my dad.

This kind of psychological garbage is just a normal part of life. To someone with my personality who wants her own identity and likes to try new things, it’s a ‘not so normal’ part of life. I remember trying to ignore my feelings of disappointment. I felt like I never did anything right. I hated not meeting expectations. I needed to be good at my own things. I wanted people to remember me as me and not the little sister of that great basketball player.

I quickly found friends who were the opposite of my sister and her friends. They loved that I was coming over to the ‘dark side’. I loved rebelling. The ‘bad kids’ thought it was cool that I wasn’t hanging out with the jocks, and the most popular kids and gave them the time of day. They loved seeing an athlete and a ‘goody two shoes’ skip school and do naughty things. I loved the praise I received from my new followers. They put me on a pedestal and soaked up anything I said or did.

I remember when the school day ended. I would go lift weights and work out before basketball practice, and then go to the 1-2 hour practice. I would rush outside the lower gym after practice and smoke a cigarette before I got in my car to go home. Wow! What the hell was I thinking? I actually remember thinking I was cool because I could do everything an athlete could, and still smoke disgusting cigarettes. Kids are so naïve.

I thought my eldest sister was cool too. She always had hot boyfriends with their own apartments and she smoked and listened to rock music. She was so responsible and was a functioning rebel. I remember when she got her very own apartment with her friend. I was so proud of her and envious at the same time. I bragged to all my friends about it. I remember going there and wanting to ask her to buy me and my friends cigarettes or alcohol, but being too chicken shit to ask. I respected her way too much. Neither of my sisters were ever a bad influence on me.

My middle sister was in the paper weekly with the most impressive basketball statistics. She’d be on the front cover of the local sports page in a huge picture with a great write up. I remember clipping and saving all of these articles for her and making a scrapbook.I was so proud of her.

I remember the first time I was in the paper. There was a write up about a party that got busted and over 40 minors were given out. The men’s and woman’s varsity basketball teams lost 40% of their players. It was at my boyfriend’s house, and not only got my first alcohol charge of many, but I got kicked off the varsity basketball team. Anyone who was anyone was at this party. My sister and her crew even stopped in but were lucky enough to get out before the cops came. That was an insane event and eye opener for the school and all of our parents. That is when everyone started cracking down and I had to start being more creatively sneaky.

My sister graduated and went to a University on a full ride basketball scholarship and my boyfriend graduated and went away to a University as well. All of the good influences I had left and people to look out for me and take care of me were gone just like that. I was alone and had to start from scratch again. I was now at the bottom of the totem poll again.

This is when I fell hard and fast and hit rock bottom. I’m talking about when cigarettes and alcohol turned into a nightmare.

Day 38

If you have tried cigarettes and enjoyed the ‘high’ but don’t get the same feeling when you smoke them anymore, chances of you being comfortable trying marijuana if it’s offered to you are pretty likely. This terrifies me because my daughter is only 3 and I catch her pretending she’s smoking looking in the mirror. She’ll have one hand on her hip and she’ll be in a movie star position with a pen or straw in her other hand smoking it. One of her grandmas whom she loves dearly smokes and my daughter now thinks it’s what you are supposed to do because her dear sweet grandma does it.

I’ve never smoked around her and now that she’s old enough to remember everything I don’t want her to see alcohol glorified and drank around her. This is one of the main reasons I quit. All the experts say your value system is developed from birth to age 5. This is a crucial time when children develop beliefs. I am now terrified she will smoke one day and then follow in my footsteps. That is why I thought it was okay to smoke cigarettes. I thought that’s what the cool grown-ups did. My beautiful mother did it so I wanted to. I was the youngest of three girls and I was always too little to be included so when I had the chance, I wanted to grow up quick and do grown up things.

I know you’ll be comfortable with marijuana if you smoke because I was. I wasn’t afraid to try it and thank God I hated it. That is one drug I never could stand. It made me giggle until my cheeks were sore and eat like a pig and then sit in a daze with no care in the world for hours. You couldn’t control it. You were lazy and numb and relaxed and tired. I did not like drugs that ‘tranquilized’ me. I preferred anything that gave me energy and woke me up.

So I tampered with cigarettes and tried marijuana in 7th and 8th grade. There would also be the occasional party and there would be alcohol. I drank occasionally. Someone would usually bring a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 or a few Colt 45’s or Mickey’s 40s. You would chug as much as you could handle and pass it on. At that point I would usually get an enjoyable buzz and that’s it. We were too young to get our own yet so we just drank what we could and usually that wasn’t much. The only drinking memory I have from my pre high school days was being at a party and one of my girlfriends got a bottle of Everclear from her older brother. I binge drank almost half the bottle. I remember because I’m sure I had alcohol poisoning. I was so drunk and so sick. That was the first time out of the 3 times I puked in my life from alcohol. I always prayed to God he would turn me into a puker. He never graced me with this request. I knew I had a problem early on.

I only did these bad things occasionally and then I entered high school. This was a whole different community. The things we did in Junior High weren’t as accepted in high school. There was more pressure to be academically or athletically recognized. I had a sister who was popular and a recognized athlete. She was an all star basketball player. She broke school records and won awards. I remember how much I wanted to be just like her. I was so proud to be her sister. I stood tall my freshman year and loved being noticed as her little sister. I had older friends and hung out with the juniors and seniors. I rode around with popular guys who drove nicer cars than my parents had. I was on top of the world.

Day 37

My eldest sister, who has taught both fifth and sixth graders, said she’d like to know how and when my drug addiction started. She said her students have expressed curiosity on how addiction progresses also. These are fantastic questions. I think educating our children is very important. Although this is part of my past it still plays a big role in my alcoholism I’m battling currently.

It all started in seventh grade. I went from elementary to middle school. I was a teenager and these years were very awkward. Peer pressure and self esteem mixed with a bad influence or two become recipes for disaster. The culprit that opened the flood gates to the drug world are cigarettes. You go to a party or two and some kid who probably stole cigarettes from one of his parents brings them to a party to be cool and pressures other kids into trying one. Some of the victims may have seen an older kid doing it and thought it looked cool, or seen cigarettes glamorized on T.V. or the movies.

Although I was in D.A.R.E. and you learn in school to ‘Just say no!’ it doesn’t prepare the weak for that moment when some idiot passes a cigarette your way and says, “Want a drag?” and you look around and the whole room is looking at you and the pressures on and you just want to fit in. You want to be loved. You want to be cool. Terrified, you say yes. It is at that moment, at that weak moment, that the devil tightens his leash one more notch. This is the time in a teen’s life that sets the pace for the rest of their teenage years.

If you gave in you could be a follower, someone who hates to disappoint people or someone who likes to try new things. I was all three. The leaders aren’t at that party because their parents wouldn’t let them go. I was also a leader but I was also a trusted good kid most of the time so it was easy to lie to my parents and sneak out to bad places. There are also the kids who are there but do not have strong personalities. They avoid the peer pressure situation which is a good thing, but they always stand in the sidelines as a spectator. They knew it was wrong and didn’t like what was going on but didn’t have the authority to stop it. Maybe these are the kids that go into law enforcement or become treatment counselors. They can finally speak out and help both the ‘kid that was pressured’ and put the ‘bullies’ behind bars or help them.


Today some ignorant psychologist on ‘The Doctors’ said she had been an addiction expert for 15 years and she didn’t believe there were such things as gateway drugs. She probably studied addiction in a text book and just doesn’t get it or know. Any chemical can be a gateway drug. I strongly believe in them.


For me cigarettes were my gateway drug. You try it to be cool and the first one makes you cough and feel light headed. Then at the next party the same scenario comes up and because you know it ‘wasn’t that bad’ and you try it again. You think you just scored two more points with the ‘cool kids’, but you just disabled yourself for a long time. The problem that arose is that this one doesn’t make you sick. This one actually makes you feel great. You get buzzed, or high, which is a sense of euphoria.

You like this feeling and it feels different than anything you’ve experienced, so you do it again and again. You may only do it at parties, but what you don’t realize that is happening in your body is that the drug nicotine in the cigarettes is actually addictive. Pretty soon you actually crave it and want more. The sad thing is that by this time, you will never feel the same sense of euphoria as you did with your fist few cigarettes. Your bodies will never in your life feel the same again. What a waste! Satin has some nasty tricks he likes to play on teens.

I’ll explain what drug came next later. I’m tired:)

Day 36

Being sober gives me a whole new meaning of the term ‘beer goggles’. My new beer goggles consist of those days when everything reminds me alcohol. I recently got a second job to help hit my goal of being ‘debt free by 2011’. So during training they sit me next to this guy that reeks of alcohol. He reminded me of my grandfather when I was younger when he spoke. Then the other night my husband and I went out to eat and you pretty much had to jump over the wine display to get to the hostess station. And wouldn’t you know they had a 20 minute wait but immediate seating in the lounge area. It was eight o’clock on a Saturday night and the Twins were playing so you can imagine the atmosphere in the lounge. There were your typical men with their 200 ounce beers victory fist bumping and women with chic drinks like margaritas and daiquiris that looked like swimming pools for Chihuahuas.

Day 35

Okay, I’m not going to talk about food addiction. I get it. My cigarette blog proved to be very controversial and I had many people ask me about it. One reaction I received was OUCH. Some asked me if I smoked. Someone joked about me thinking I was an expert just because I had 37 days under my belt.

For starters, no I do not smoke. I also do not think I am an expert on addiction. I am however very ‘seasoned’ when speaking about addiction. I’ve been through professional treatment programs and I’m a very good listener. I am also very passionate about chemical dependency. I miraculously pulled out of a 2 year cocaine addiction that almost killed me, I quit smoking after 13 years, and I am now battling alcoholism and I’m on day 38. I may not be an expert, but I will say I’ve come a long way and I’m confident that I can offer useful advice. I would much rather hire someone with experience than someone who learned it only from a textbook.

The reason I spoke so bleak about smoking is because I have very close loved ones who have cried out to me and asked for help to quit. They also have made comments on my blogs about how the honesty in the blogs are helping them. I took my interpretation and wrote a brutally honest eye opening smoking post, so sue me.

I do love feedback from people. I enjoy reading the comments more than writing some days. It’s neat to see people using metaphors and debating live in the comments. I love constructive criticism and advice so bring it. Please add comments and if you are not comfortable you can leave them anonymous.

Day 34

I'll give you a good real life example of these helpful quiting tools and how they helped me when I almost relapsed yesterday. The day began and I was going to work my second job. My husband took my daughter with a friend of his and his daughter for a little outing. When I was done with my work I phoned my husband and he said he'll "be home in a little bit". I told him "since I worked 55 hours this week I'd like to get out of the house and do something nice for dinner". I meant just him and I but did not tell him this. Remember always to be extremely detailed when dealing with men.

The clock turned to to 1, then 2, and 3 and 4 and by five o'clock I was steaming. By blood was boiling and I assumed he was off with our daughter and his buddy drinking beer and galavanting. I was so pissed off and wondered if my daughter was okay. Were they driving with kids under the influence? Did they feed the girls? Did they nap? Are they warm enough? I was so worried and irate!

I calmed myself down with positive thoughts and breathing exercises. I decided to trust him as a father. He called around 6:30 and asked what I had planned. I got annoyed and reminded him that I told him what I wanted to do earlier and that he never listens. He then interrupted and mentioned going to his favorite restaurant. I was relieved. He did listen for once. Then he redeemed my suspicion and said our friend's family of 4 was going to meet us there.

I got annoyed and told him to have fun as I hung up the phone. He called back and asked if I had any better suggestions and I told him again that I was not interested in doing that and to have fun. I also told him to drop off my daughter on the way because I need to take her to the babysitter so I can go out to eat like originally planned, but by myself. Now he got annoyed.

He told me he'd come home in a little while. Meanwhile, I was so pissed of that he wanted to invite a family of four to our frickin' date night. I worked fifty five hours this week and I worked the next day so I need a sanity break even if it's two hours alone with my husband at a restaurant.

That's when the 'stinkin' thinkin' started. I thought screw him! If he wants to run and play all day with his buddy, who had been there the evening before, and even overnight, then fine. I know they were drinking beer. I'm not going to be one of those people who quits doing something and then criticises everyone who still does it, I'm not. But you better believe I was annoyed at the fact of when he called around one and it is now six thirty and he not once called a sober responsible parent (myself) and asked if I can come get the girls so they are safe. I was pissed off that he was going to ruin date night because he'd rather be with his friends than alone with his wife.

I'll show him! I'm going to run up to the bar and have one or two and go home. This way, when he comes home buzzed up I will be also and I can say, "Why is it okay if you do it but not me?" I'll show him! I try so hard everyday and work my ass off for this family and get no escape! I don't see why I have to do everything and get nothing in return. Screw it! I'm gonna go have just one. I don't even care if I've made it 37 days. (I'm behing on my blogging, I'm actually at 37)If I did it once, I can do it again.

I continued thinking negatively and then started a paperwork project for my second job and forgot how mad I was. Then my husband, his friend, and the girls arrived back home. His friend asked my if we were all going to go out to eat and I quickly remembered why I was so mad. I esponded, "The last thing I want to do after a fifty five hour work week is go to a nice restaurant with the girls who haven't napped, and will throw crabby fits and embarrass me at the restaurant! Going out to eat with two tired three year olds is as relaxing as running a marathon!" He replied, "I understand, that's cool."

My husband said, "Why didn't you just tell me that, that makes sense." The moral of my story; I am a fool. I actually considered breaking my sobriety and going to go have a cocktail because men are not mind readers. If I would just realize that they do not listen, they hear what they want to hear, and they cannot read minds, I'd be in a lot better shape. Wow! I'm an idiot! Again, this disease is ruthless! Thank God I've been practicing for 37 days and now that I know how to use the tools I subconciously started doing paperwork that stopped my from thinking about the bar anymore. I remember thinking of how disappointe my family would be. I even thought about being $200 dollars poorer (inside joke).I thought positive thoughts for awhile. I subconciously calmed myself down defore they arrived home.

Thank you God.

To elaborate on my husbands status, he was not drunk, he said he had a headache so he couldn't drink much and he was sober. We ended up getting a babysitter for long enough to go out to eat. We enjoyed eachothers company and had a fantastic evening. It sure was nice.

Day 33

…continued from Day 32. I forgot to offer advice on way to quit smoking and how to recognize triggers. Look at the reasons and times you have a cigarette. If you are serious about quitting, then you need to have a quit plan for those particular moments. For instance, after you eat, do the dishes or write in a journal or suck on something that would taste horrible with a cigarette.

After a day of work, reward yourself by going to the bank and putting $5 if a separate special smoking savings account. When you are on the phone, be sure both hands are in the dirt or doing something so you cannot smoke. Only allow yourself to call people during times when you normally would not be available to smoke.

Have 2 or 3 projects going at all times. This way if you think you need a cigarette, but don’t feel like doing your outside project, stay in and keep your hands busy with your inside project. Sorting things like old photos, paperwork, and ‘missing pair socks’ are great hand occupying tasks.

The goal is to kick the habit first. Once you’ve kicked the motion of keeping your mouth and hands busy, then you are half way there. Recognizing what triggers smoking is the psychological part of the battle. Have a cheat sheet with you that is similar to this:

Why do I want a cigarette?

*Something or someone upset you...Read passages from an inspiring book to remind you of positive thoughts

*You just ate...Do dishes and suck on black licorice or something that tastes horrible with cigarettes

*You just finished something big and 'derserve' a reward...Create a ‘journal of accomplishments’ and note the task, date complete, and how it makes you feel inside

*Bored?...Call a positive influence that knows you are trying to quit and be accountable and tell them you are bored

*Just woke up and have coffee...Read the paper or check your e-mail or Facebook with coffee

*You are going to be driving or riding in a vehicle for a long time...Skip breathing in the carbon monoxide since you’ll be cooped up in a vehicle for awhile anyway and have good singing CD’s or even a audio book (a steamy romance, or positive healing, or self help of some sort)

*You just think you deserve one...Carry a bag of rewards with at all time. It can be money that can be added to you quitting savings account, or small candies you savor

On the bottom of this list should be the names and numbers of your accountability partners. That way if nothing is stopping you and you think you are going to die if you don’t have one, you can call and we’ll ‘talk you off the ledge of relapse’.

I’m not a psychologist nor can I treat or cure disease, but I do have years of personal experience on addiction. I do know of some methods that work.

Day 32

I feel very fortunate to have all of your support and I very much appreciate it. I have been listening to all of you and many have mentioned your own vices you’d like to give up. Some mentioned parenting and not getting frustrated as often, some mentioned smoking cigarettes, and some admitted to food addiction. Whether it is gambling, doing drugs, abusing prescription drugs, shopping, or just plain overspending, we can beat these demons.

I want to help anyone who has been there for me. I have an idea to help some of you with these bad habits. Let me put some things in perspective and have them in the back of your mind the next time you smoke, or eat, or gamble, or shop, etc. Maybe it will help. It may be an approach you haven’t tried.

You will not get a DWI for smoking cigarettes. Overspending won’t give you a hangover that makes you want to die and swear you will never spend a dime again. Being addicted to food won’t get you thrown in jail. Getting frustrated with your children and yelling a little more than you anticipated won’t make you black out and do things you will regret.

What’s worse, jail or terminal cancer? Lung cancer is one of the most preventable and the most terminal of all the cancers. Lung cancer is the leading cause of cancer deaths in both men and woman. Cigarettes are 85% responsible for all lung cancer deaths. They even put the Surgeon Generals Warning right on the cigarette box that states, ‘cigarette smoking causes lung cancer’. They don’t say may cause. Jail won’t kill you in six months to a year and at the most, let you live five years after diagnosis.

Even after knowing the statistics people still smoke. It’s a very hard addiction to break. I know. I’ve been there and quit after thirteen years. I had great incentive though. I quit the day I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. Next time you want to light up, imagine having to prepare for death. First you get the diagnosis for lung cancer, and then you have less than six months to make arrangements. Imagine all the arrangements you have to make with your friends, spouse, children, and grandchildren. Most people are so sick from the chemotherapy they have to quit their jobs, and cannot do much during treatments. They have no energy, they don’t want visitors, and they don’t want to see or talk to anyone. A lot of the time they are so sick they just want to give up right then. Since the diagnosis comes suddenly and there’s not enough time to prep for death, I have a solution that will help you and everyone else.

Instead of smoking a cigarette, get out some paper and a pen. On one piece, go room by room and make an inventory of all of your things. Be very detailed. Don’t even skip a pair of shoes because everything either has a dollar or sentimental value. This could take weeks, so each time you want a smoke, redirect your attention to the list and keep your hands busy by writing. When this list is done, make a list of your friends and family. Highlight each person in a different color. Highlight each item on the list in the person’s color you want it to go to when you die. People will miss you and heirlooms are very sentimental. Be sure to leave a color for charity, for sale, or just to throw away. This helps your spouse and children know what to do with your things after you pass. So many families fight over things after someone goes and there’s a lot of controversy. Do your family a favor and be proactive so they don’t have to decide what to do with everything.

Another important bit of information is be sure to collect everyone on your lists contact info so it’s easier for your children to call everyone to let them know you’ve passed so people know when the funeral will be. Just a couple of ideas to keep your mind ON the negative affects of smoking daily. Hopefully the daily negative long term reminders will help. I know this tactic may seem harsh, but it’s a walk in the park compared to lung cancer.

Really get your mind in this role. Why are you doing this? Why are you in this position? Learn to hate cancer sticks. Look at them as satin’s little whistles. Each time you take a drag you are sending a silent message to satin and he marks another day closer to death on his victory board. Each time you exhale a whistle sounds and alerts satin and he dances in delight as the whistles get louder.

Another way to help this process is keeping a daily log or journal. You can even blog. It’s free and easy and therapeutic. If you choose to have a cigarette you must explain why you wanted one. You must show your journal daily or biweekly to someone to be held accountable. If you and your accountability partners don’t think it’s a good enough reason to smoke a cigarette, then you’ll have to decide what you could have done instead. You need a quit plan and tools for all temptation and triggers. A day may look like this:

4/30/10 7:30 a.m. I just smoked a cigarette to reward myself for getting out of bed.
4/30/10 8:30 a.m. I smoked a cigarette to reward myself for drinking a cup of coffee.
4/30/10 9:30 a.m. I smoked a cigarette to keep myself occupied while on the phone because what the person had to say sounded so much better with a cigarette.
4/30/10 10:30 a.m. I smoked a cigarette to reward myself for going to work.
4/30/10 2:30 p.m. I smoked a cigarette to relax on break. (Nicotine is a stimulant not a depressant.)
4/30/10 4:00 p.m. I smoked a cigarette to reward myself for working a full day.
4/30/10 5:30 p.m. I smoked a cigarette to reward myself for driving home from work. 4/30/10 6:30 p.m. I smoked a cigarette to reward myself for eating supper.
4/30/10 7:30 pm. I smoked a cigarette once again to accompany me on the phone because the cigarette is clearly as important as the person I’m talking to.
4/30/10 8:30 p.m. I paused my favorite show to smoke a cigarette because although it was just getting good the show is even better after a cigarette.
4/30/10 10:00 p.m. I smoked a cigarette before I cash in for the night because I already have to take Tylenol PM to sleep, why not counter act them with a stimulant drug? This will buy me time to read a book before I fall asleep.

Total for day: 11 (Not bad, most people smoke a pack a day which holds 20.) This was a work day though. On the weekends this journal would be longer and the time between cigarettes would probably be a half an hour. Do any of these reasons sound silly to you? Can you think of any logical reasons you could have posted on this journal for having one? Are there any logical explanations for suicide? Are there other things you could’ve been doing during this time? Since you were rewarding yourself for daily activities you deserve a prize. Give yourself a pat on the back and cross eleven days of your life. Ouch! Sorry this psycho therapy is so sobering. But my goal is to help others. You must eat, sleep, and breathe that cigarettes are bad in order to get in a mind set that you don’t want one. I wish someone would’ve laid out the hard truth like this to me. Tough love is a good thing.

These are the reasons so many people continue to do these things. They don’t realize how bad a lot of their addictions are. You may continue to say you’ll quit one day, or you’ll just do it once a week, or only smoke when you drink (this one is a double decker killer. ) You can even quit for short periods of time just to convince others and yourself that you don’t have a problem. If you make up excuses, blame, or have to justify why you are doing it, it probably isn’t something you should be doing. If you have to do it in the closet, hide it, or regret doing it, it’s not healthy. If you think about it constantly and you’re world revolves around it, it’s gone too far. If it’s something you need to quit, then it’s bad for you.

I hope I don’t offend anyone. I am just trying to help lay it out like any other addiction. You need to journal to target your trigger points. Once you admit you have a problem, and truly want to quit, the next step is finding out why you are really smoking. Most people’s bad habits are psychological. Start referring to yourself as an addict. Just because cigarettes are legal, doesn’t mean you are not an addict. Alcohol is legal too.

Make a list of things that can be the underlying cause of your problem. Do you have unresolved issues from your childhood? Do you need to forgive and forget about something that could be holding you back? Do you hold resentments? Are you angry? Are you irritated by something or someone? Are you unhappy? Are you lonely? Are you bored? Are you sad?

If you’ve answered yes to any of these it may help you figure out why you are smoking or doing anything that you want to quit doing. You started smoking years ago and it gave you a high and made you feel good. It gave you a false sense of happiness. The drugs in alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes travel down a pathway in your brain and create serotonin. The more you use these things as coping mechanisms, the pathway gets shut down. What that means scientifically is that the drug alters the nerve cells, or neurons, and they eventually get quit working. You keep smoking more and more to get the same effect. Occasionally, you may hit another pathway that hasn’t been altered or fried and get a sensation you pray for, but by the time you are addicted, they’re all fried. You do not get the same effect as before, however, you continue your physical habit because you've tricked yourself into thinking that this drug is making you feel good.

We need to eliminate the reasons that make us want a ‘cigarette’ (this could be anything) and add rewarding and fulfilling things in our lives that produce natural serotonin. Being fulfilled naturally is so much healthier and adds years to your life.

Tomorrow, we'll talk about food addiction.

To be continued…

Day 31

When God leads you to the edge of the cliff, trust Him fully and let go. He’ll either catch you when you fall or he’ll teach you how to fly. I love this! I got this in an email from a dear friend and I have finally got my wings. I cannot wait to give them a test run. I’m still in training.

Odd things have been happening at my house. For instance, since I quit drinking, I have gotten my daughter to bed 2 hours early than her old bedtime. She gets a bath, puts jammies on, brushes her teeth, and then I read her books. I got my first library card in my adult years. Another first! I get four to five new books from the library each day and I read them to her. Then she crawls up the ladder to the top bunk of her new bunk bed and I read her ‘Five Little Sleepyheads’ and ‘The Going to Sleep Book’. She always makes me read ‘Five Little Sleepyheads’ twice. I inserted a picture of her on the last page so when it says “...and goes to sleep so that leaves YOU!”, I move my hand and there she is. She giggles every time. It makes have to read the same book twice so worth it.

I know I’ve gotten quite the response in the past when I bring up the painful truth of my past, but it is a very important part of treatment. I don’t do it to dwell on the past. This will be the third alcohol treatment I’ve been through. The only difference is that I’ve created it. I finally know what works with my personality type. The other treatment programs didn’t add wonderful moments to my life and quickly build new fresh sober memories. This is my way of making even the slightest urge to drink a deadly move. There was a lot at stake before, but now I would lose so much more.

The reason my daughter is willing to go to bed two hours earlier than when I drank is she enjoys her new mom. She didn’t know any different before. Now that she sees what I’m capable of, I want it to stay that way. Normal for her used to be going to bed without a bath, without someone to read to her, and without being tucked in. When it was dark outside it meant mom was probably going to pass out soon. She would then find my limp body, whether it be in a chair, on the couch, or in bed, and snuggle herself to sleep next to my non responsive body. She’d fall asleep in the same clothes she wore that day without brushing her teeth. No one read to her. No one came when she called.

This wasn’t every night. I did try to get her tucked in before I ‘hit the bottle’ most of the time, but if I’d start early this was what I imagine she did. I don’t honestly know because I don’t remember. This is so difficult to talk about. I never want to go back there. I never want to be that monster again. I will make it my goal to outweigh every bad memory with dozens of good ones.

Step 5 - Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

Here is one the twelve steps of sobriety. They are steps used by some of the greatest recovery centers in history. The hardest part is admitting our wrongs to another human being. But it is important to be accountable.

God, please forgive me.

Day 30

I’ve been sober for 30 days. I’ve been sober for 30 days. This is the longest conscious effort I’ve ever made! (other than being pregnant with my daughter, but that was simple) Today I would have received a 30 day medallion if I physically attended an AA meeting.

I’m awarding myself a virtual 30 day medallion because 30 days IS a big deal. Yeah me! Congratulations!

My doctor’s mother received her 30 years medallion this year. Wow! I don’t even want to think that they make those. My anxiety about ‘forever’ kicks in…go to your happy place, one day at a time, one day at a time:)

When I reached this milestone I’ve gotten unenthused about the whole thing. It just seems so yesterday to me. It feels like 6 months, but it’s only been 30 frickin’ days! Then at the same time I think, OMG it’s been 30 days! It’s such an off realization.

I’ve always had a poor concept of time. For instance, I see these people on The Biggest Loser lose 285 pounds in one year and I think holy shit! I could sacrifice a year and go through boot camp to lose an entire me! But then the next day I’ll see some weight loss supplement infomercial where some lady lost 40 pound in 3 months and I think I could NEVER do that. I guess if I took it one day at a time, I’d be 1/ 3 of the way there by now.

I’m still waiting for that exercise addiction to kick in. The only addiction that I’ve developed was one to Reese’s Puffs cereal, diet coke, and sugar. I need sugar! My body just craves sugar. I never craved it before because I got it from the bottle every night.

I did have a craving today but I popped open a can of diet coke and that knocked it right out of me. I’m going to continue blogging because I haven’t even put a dent in the twelve step program yet. I want to continue to follow several different treatment methods because it cannot hurt me. The ‘experts’ created these programs and tools so I will put my trust in them. After all, the third times a charm, right?

Day 29

Today I’d like to ask for your help. I’m going to do this the old-fashioned prayer petition style. Please pray with me:

God, please be with my sister and her family right now as they paddle through the whitecaps of another culture. Please offer guidance in a country where many do not call for your help. Please help them communicated and get through this difficult journey.

God, please bless my friend and her unborn Triploidy baby with Spina Bifida. She needs you so much in this difficult decision making time in her life. Please help her and be with her in this time of need.

God, please bless my daughter and keep her safe tonight in her new bunk bed in her own room. Now I lay her down to sleep I pray the Lord her soul to keep, and angels watch her through the night, and keep her in their blessed sight. Amen

Lord, please guide my dad in the right direction and steer him toward the missing piece that is holding him back from something. Because I am so much like him I know when something is off and I sense he is unfulfilled with himself. Also, please help keep his blood pressure low and heart strong so he can carry on this journey.

Although her lungs and heart may not be the strongest, she has done laps around everyone in the selfless department of constant caring. Please let my mother be around for years to come as I would be blessed to have my daughter even become a fraction like her and her father.

God, please continue to keep my eldest sisters family in good hands and keep them safe and happy.

Please be with my friend and her dad during his battle with lung cancer.

God, please help comfort Farmer’s wife and family and be with his spouse during these grieving times. Please guide her in the direction of peace and understanding.

Please give me strength to stay sober and help me continue in your direction.

AMEN

Day 28

I’ve been leery about writing Day 28 because 28 days represents the total length for many treatment programs. It’s not just a Sandra Bullock movie. After 28 days of constant awareness of your problem, and after 28 days of gathering all the tools you need for survival, they release you into the wild in hopes you won’t strike again.

I’ve delayed typing Day 28 because this is when I should wrap this up and go on my own. I’m ready, but I will miss this. For the first time in the history of this blog, I’ve run out of things to say.

I’m not sure if I’ll be back

Day 27

This morning is April 24, 2010 and I'm really starting Day 29 but I'm behind on my blogging. This is only a good sign if I've been busy doing good things and not been busy relapsing. I'm happy to say that I have been having a blast trying new things! I played tennis with my sister-in-law which should have been on You Tube. I was a little rusty but it came back to me quickly like riding a bike. I didn't say I was any good but it was fun. It was a lot better than I anticipated. I was picturing me being like Pheobe on the episode of Friends where Pheobe and Rachel go jogging together. I cannot wait until match 2.

The next day I threw our bikes in the van and we headed up to the park. My daughter and I rode around the bike trails and then went back and forth and played on the two different playgrounds. It was a riot. She met new little friends and it was the first time we had done something like that on a work night. She informed me she'd like to go everyday. I didn't tell her this, but so do I.

My body feels like I got hit by a bus because I'm out of shape. Oh, speaking of out of shape, I forgot about my embarrassing getting old mom moment #2. It's up there with the meat market incident. At the park we go to, there are tennis courts, a basketball court, sand volleyball courts, horseshoes, 2 playgrounds, and 2 ball fields. We live in the middle of the country and this park is only 1 mile away so we are blessed to have it out here. Softball leagues are starting up soon and so there were some college aged guys practicing at one of the fields. My daughter and I pulled up on our bikes, parked them, and proceeded to the playground. One of the guys yelled, "Hey, can you get that ball?" Excited because I used to pitch softball and used to have an arm, I ran for the ball behind me and attempted to throw it to him.

I had 2 things working against me, my age and the fact that my shoulders and arms were spent by our so called tennis match. There was another big obstacle in the way, the fence. If you've ever been to a ball field note the fence behind home plate. It is taller than the fence surrounding the rest of the field. Lets just say the fence does just as good of a job keeping balls in the field as it does OUT.

As my new found love for athleticism took over, I attempted to launch the softball over the fence. OMG! My muscles tensed up and I felt like I dislocated my elbow as I watched the ball slowly bounce of the fence and come right back at me. It was so embarrassing! Not as embarrassing as the meltdown my toddler had when she grabbed the ball and said , "I can do it mommy" and took off running with the ball. So now we're providing live cat and mouse entertainment for the guys. They decided to continue to 'play ball' and I continued to chase her around as she's screaming "I want to throw it!". She finally finds an opening in the fence and bolts onto the field and throws a noodle armed cute little girl throw, just like her mommy to the batter. Not the pitcher, the batter.

Life is going to be full firsts from now on, and America's funniest home videos. Before I quit drinking, I'd get off work, rush home to make supper and get everyone to bed, just so I could selfishly sit and drink. It was unheard of to go to a park on a work night. There was barely enough time to get supper made, do a load of laundry, and drink. When you quit drinking you not only add years to your life, but you add hours to each day. Now I get off work, come home, clean a little, go do something fun with my daughter, come home, make supper, do more with my daughter, tuck her in, relax and watch TV with my husband until he goes to bed, then do laundry, dishes, and finally, relax and blog.

We've all experienced benefits from my quitting. I love my new life! I love being a 'good sore'. I love my daughter so much. I cannot wait to provide her with a memorable childhood just like my own.

Day 26

I’m starting out today by answering the questions from my comments from Day 24. The ’11 good years left comment’ was just me doing the math on my lifeline if my ‘life’s purpose=death’ theory were true. I’m not the greatest at math so maybe just ignore that part of my post. The ‘end of my journey’ comment was also a part of that whole theory. Don’t worry Big Sis, there are no crazy hidden messages or meanings by that.



I should probably elaborate on my theory a little bit. I have buried many loved ones for my age. I remember every detail of every wake and funeral I’ve attended. My first wake was when I was a very little girl. My great grandmother died of old age. I can replay the entire thing in my head like it were yesterday.


My second funeral wasn’t until my senior year in high school. There was a big party out in the country. On their way home from the party, my classmate and his brother hit a deer. They pulled over and my classmate, who was a hunter, went to drag the deer out of the middle of the road so no one else would hit it. At that very moment, another car didn’t see him or the deer and hit him. He was killed right in front of his own brother. The funeral is etched in my memory. Many people wore blaze orange. He didn’t even look like the boy I knew in the casket. Although they tried hard to stitch up an mend his face; you still couldn’t recognize him. It was very sad.

The next funeral was also extremely sad. A second cousin of mine became sick with spinal meningitis that turned fatal. She died very suddenly. It happened so quickly and even the Mayo Clinic couldn’t save her. It was unexplainable and heart breaking


My husband and I were both friends with another classmate who died suddenly while driving with his fiancé. One minute he had his finger in his mouth pushing on the hole that once housed his freshly extracted wisdom tooth, and the next minute he was dead. The invitations had been sent for the wedding and the wedding shower had already took place. This was one of the most depressing wakes we had gone to. The line was longer than I’d ever seen. This happens when the good die young. I will never forget how his mother and fiancé had to be drugged because they were both hysterical. His fiancé was almost giddy and high from the tranquilizers that helped her make it through the wake.


Then a little after high school another friend who loved life, fast cars, and even piloted his own planes, died in a tragic crash. He died doing what he loved, but unfortunately didn’t see the deadly corner ahead. He was loved by so many. I still think of him often.


The hardest death I will never understand was that of a friend of both me and my husband again. My husband worked with him for awhile and we were all friends and partied often too. He was the life of the party and a great guy with a young son and a brand new baby. In fact, the night he was murdered he was celebrating the new birth of his son at a downtown bar with a few friends. He somehow managed to upset a bouncer who was pumped full of steroids and he tackled him and choked him and took his last breath. This steroid freak was so angry he sucked the life right out of our dear friend. The ambulance came but it was too late. The weight of the bouncer and the amount of time he was unconscious had killed every brain cell until he was a vegetable. He was brain dead and in a coma and God finally took him and his family out of their misery and took him home. I am still so angry at piece of sh-t bouncer that won in court and didn’t have to sit one frickin’ day in jail for killing our friend. He will rot in hell one day. He will pay. My husband and I live near his grave and go by it often. Why did he have to go? How can any monster get away with this? Last I heard he is still working as a bouncer. Who would hire that murderer?


These are just a few of the young friends we’ve lost. This doesn’t even put a dent in our death toll. My husband has lost two grandmas, a grandpa, three uncles, two of them were also dear friends who we think of every day. I also lost close family as I lost two grandfathers.


My friend recently lost her dad who lost his battle to esophageal cancer. He was so young and left behind so many wonderful family members. Again, these are only a few deaths I have at the top of my head. These are funerals and wakes of people we actually knew and loved and miss. There are many other incidences were we were involved as support to the family of the deceased.


Every time I walked into that funeral home, every time I approached another casket, every time I hugged family members in a sympathy receiving line, I asked myself why. Why me, why us, why them, why him, why her, why so young, why so tragic, why now! I finally decided that there has got to be a reason these amazing people were taken from us. I’ve always believed everything happens for a reason, so I needed to find that reason.


So this is how my theory came about. This is when I decided that God needed them more than we did on Earth. This is when I came up with the idea that these people had clearly found their purpose here on Earth and were no longer needed. They could go serve their purpose in heaven now. I created this belief to cope with horrible losses that were otherwise unexplainable.


To all we have loved and lost, please rest peacefully with the Lord.

Day 25

“The only thing to fear is fear itself.” FDR was right. I have this theory and fear that once we find our purpose in life and ‘God’s will be done’, we die. I believe God’s will is our purpose, and everyday I get closer to life’s purpose I am that much closer to death. Maybe that is could be the reason I tend to hold onto the past and have difficulty healing. I could be making mistakes subconsciously to buy time. Fear is scary and it slows you down.



We begins as an infant, and as we near death, we regress back into our infant state. In my experience, this holds true to the people that die of old age. I worked in the nursing home for years, and the elderly become incontinent like an infant. We change them and bathe them. Then when they get even older, they cannot eat food without choking so we puree their food so they eat. Most start to talk gibberish and they are hard to understand. When you don’t know what they are saying they lash out and express them selves physically. When they are really close to death they even begin to see their parents. They even talk to their parents. It is quite the phenomenon. It’s also very sad because generally once they talk about “mommy and daddy” they are days from death. This isn’t one of my theories, this is how we age and it holds true for 90% of the residents I worked with on comfort care. Comfort care is when the dying process begins. All machines and medicines are withdrawn. The only thing generally given is morphine so they rest comfortably without pain.


Experiencing us age backwards was scary and an eye opener. The healthier I get the closer I feel to the end. My sister-in-law was recently looking for a tennis partner because there’s a court a block from her home. I instantly told her “I’m game!” I was so excited to do something I used to love to do. Then my fear interrupted. I used to play tennis with my best friend when I first moved to Omaha. We were inseparable! We used to play tennis in 5th, 6th, and 7th, grade. We’d just do in for fun at the local court. It wasn’t competitive at all. I miss those innocent days.


I’m scared to begin this non-competitive, alcohol free sport with my sister-in-law. Not only is it a step in the right direction, but its one step closer to the end. Playing tennis when I was 11 and 12 represents one of the last sober memories I had before my addiction swooped in. My friend’s dad was in the military so it was inevitably she moved away eventually. The move hit me hard though. I was so devastated and lost without her. She was a genuine person with a huge heart and a good head on her shoulders.


The new friends who took me under their wing, later drug me down, literally. This is when life began to end. I met one bad influence after the other. I was 400 miles away from my Catholic school and church and most importantly…God. The devil had a blast with my youth. I was easy prey.


I look back at the innocence that was ripped off of me and wish my friend had never left. I wonder what life would’ve been like had she stayed. Ironically, she is in the other side of the country studying what I’ve always wanted to be. She will move onto become what I dreamed of. I am very proud of her and happy for her and hopefully one day I will reconnect with her and live vicariously through her. I didn’t kept in touch due to shame. She wouldn’t have recognized me. She was in a whole other league and wouldn’t understand my world anymore. I wouldn’t be the girl she remembers.


I don’t like to dwell on the past or do the “what if” thing. I will admit I am still nervous to get back on the tennis court. Although I will enjoy it deep down I will have to find peace with being one step closer to the end of my journey. If my timeline follows my theory, I will have 11 good years left.


I wonder if living with this fear that my time is limited as I near my purpose is like finding out you have cancer and you only have so much time to live. Whether my theory is right, or if history repeats itself and I am totally wrong, I am going to treat each day as if it were my last.


If we would all just practice a little more integrity, compassion, and the power of positive thinking, and top it off with a lot of God; this world would be so much healthier for our children and grandchildren.

Day 24

CRAVOMETER: 0

TODAY’S MOOD: Worried

HOMEWORK: Skip the household chores for a day and do what you actually want to do


I’m still shocked I’ve made it to day 24. I’m worried. I feel like my cravometer should be higher. Why does this seem so easy right now? It’s like I’m waiting for the catch, or failure, or something. It just seems too good to be true.


I know it’s this ‘one day at a time’ concept. Besides my biological family, the longest relationships I ever had in my life are with my husband and alcohol. I got hooked on both my senior year in high school. Forever is a long time. I think the reason I was successful with my relationship with my husband is I take him one day at a time. He cannot make a plan. It absolutely used to drive me to drink, literally. I like a plan of action, goals, organization. He is completely random beyond belief.


When I drank I was unorganized and broke plans. Everything revolved around drinking and so it could change depending on how much I drank. For instance, we could have plans to go to dinner with someone in town and if we had been drinking too much, we would have had to cancel because we couldn’t even drive to town. One time we missed our good friend’s wedding because my husband, despite all of my warnings, got way too drunk and I had to take care of him. I’m still upset about that. My point is it’s easier to stick with  something whether it be a relationship, battling addiction, or even a  procrastination list, if you just take it one day at a time.


Once you ‘get over the hump’ and you start to experience life without your drug of choice, you have this whole new life to enjoy. Living again is so weird. Everything changes. All parts of your body are rewarded. First of all your brain thinks much clearer. It also never hurts from hangovers anymore. Your eyes become whiter and brighter. They become less bloodshot, dehydrated, and jaundice from consumption. You can actually smell a whole lot better. This isn’t necessarily a good thing. It’s actually kind of eye opening and disturbing. Your nose becomes sensitive like your first trimester of pregnancy. And finally there’s your taste. Unfortunately, everything tastes better. I think alcohol fries your taste buds or something. I’ve enjoyed things I never even used to like. One really gross thing I’ve discovered is that I’m a Diet Coke connoisseur. Yes, I still have that addiction to battle. Pop in general tastes so different from place to place. The gross part is I can practically tell you when the last time each place had their pop lines cleaned by the flavor of the drink. I’ve actually became quite the beverage germaphobe. Trust me, if there is a canned pop option, do take it.


You begin to experience many firsts. I had my first fire on our patio fireplace without alcohol. It was my husband, daughter, myself and a diet Dr. Pepper. It was very relaxing and we even had some of my favorite drinking buddies stop in and we visited for hours. I actually enjoyed it very much. Had I been drinking I wouldn’t have been able to relax and I would’ve been getting up every 5 seconds to get someone a drink, a blanket, more beer, a drink, popcorn anyone?, a snack. I never used to relax. This is so amazing. I went on my first motorcycle ride and when we stopped at a bar on the lake to enjoy the sunshine and the view, I ordered a diet coke. That felt soooo weird. I feel awkward saying diet without the Bacardi, it’s like a foreign language to me. The scenery was beautiful.


Another odd thing about quitting drinking is many of your ‘theories’ from the past become false. Anything that went wrong in the past was easy to blame on alcohol. Alcoholics are huge blamers anyway, it is NEVER their fault. I thought my morning aches and pains and headaches were from hangovers. It turns out our mattress is just old. I blames my weight on my daughter but then she turned 3 and I couldn’t do that anymore. So I started blaming my weight on alcohol. Now that I’ve quit and I’m 24 days in and not a pound lighter, I’m tempted to blame it on my thyroid:) It’s hard to teach an old dog new tricks.


I’d like to develop and exercise addiction. I want to feel good and experience that natural high and energy. I think this would be a huge missing piece to my happiness puzzle. I really need to take this concept one day at a time because if I say I’m going to exercise 3 days a week for an hour each day it’ll never happen. If I say I’ll work out for 10 minutes every other morning it’ll never happen. If people encourage me or try to get me to exercise it’ll never happen. When people give me annoying ‘subtle’ hints that I need to lose weight or exercise, I go four steps back.


This is something I need to take one day at a time and if I take of walk one day and feel the benefits and then another day take my daughter on a bike ride, I may be able to start a healthy fun habit that also will benefit my body. I think the annoying thing is that other people are more bothered by my body than I am. It’s actually quite comical. I’d rather be a very genuinely caring and nice person who is a little overweight than skinny and unhappy.


Going through life unhappy and judging people and talking about people and worrying about what everyone else is doing or not doing has to be such an annoying way to live. The negative outweighing the positive every day would be exhausting. I like to work hard for things so I appreciate them. I don’t like to do things the easy way either. I’m a glutton for punishment and I learn from my mistakes. If I’ve created my body size and I’m unhappy with it I will be the one to fix it on my own terms. I will never do it the easy way and have surgery like so many do. Now, if I had $10,000 just burning a hole in my pocket then I may feel differently.


A lot of people ask me if I’m pregnant or when I’m due. A lot of people tell me I could lose a couple pounds. A lot of people drop unsubtle hints. My problem is that I’m not vain. I tend to look at my priorities. You would think I’d try to lose weight as soon as I spent my first dollar in Lane Bryant. What nobody knew and what was really holding me back was my alcoholism. Why go on a diet and exercise when you are going to go home and polish of a 1500 calorie bottle of sugar?


I believe in taking care of the problem inside before you even attempt the outside. I was suffering day in and day out. I prayed every morning for the last five years in the shower that God would help me quit. I went to bed ashamed and woke ashamed. Everything and everybody reminded me of how fat I had become and I was just crying and screaming for help on the inside to quit drinking. Finally, 24 days ago, God answered my prayer. I just woke up decided to quit, made the doctors appointment, got really drunk the night before for one last hoorah, and that was it. I was done. I can still fell many of the wounds healing and there are many battle scars, but it was worth the run.


When you become healthy inside, this magical thing happens. You start to notice things change on the outside. You may physically be identical to your old self, but your inside starts to creep out and the new you starts to come out to say hello. When you feel better inside you can make better decision that affect your outside. You begin to shine from the inside out.


God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Day 23

CRAVOMETER: 0

TODAYS MOOD: Aware

HOMEWORK:  Do not speak negatively about others

Continued from Day 22…

Three matches are not going to cook a hotdog. So we gathered leaves and kindling to get a fire going. Once our wood teepee was complete is was time to light it. Now remember, I was in charge of the compass, the Boy Scout was in charge of the map, and the girl in the group held the hotdogs and the three little keys to our lunch. Now we were in grade school and young and were told “never to play with matches” The expression when it burnt out immediately was priceless.


The Boy Scout offered his cupped hands as a shield from the breeze and her second attempt was successful. Out of excitement she quickly brought the flame to the teepee but her sudden movement put the match out. By then the Boy Scout’s veins were apparent in his neck and on his forehead and he offered his hands again and scolded her. The third attempt was very slow moving. I could almost feel the match burn her fingers as the flames inched closer. She had barely enough time and just before she experienced her first sulfur before she dropped in on the leaves. They jumped for joy as the leaves ignited and the flames danced. Fire! It burned bright and fast. Now what they didn’t realize is it was October and the leaves had not only just fallen but they weren’t completely dry yet. It still rained a lot and the ground was cold and moist. The flame grew smaller and the Boy Scout fell to his knees and began to wave his hands in a panic to fan the flame and keep it going. His efforts only helped for seconds and the flame turned into smoldering leaves. They were devastated! Not only wouldn’t we get lunch, but we would lose because we had to complete all tasks successfully to win.


It was about this time, in a small town miles away, that my mother was just sitting down on the deck over looking the lake. I was at camp and my sisters were probably at friends’ houses. She probably had a sweetened ice tea at her side and her bare feet propped up enjoying the peace and quiet. It was at this moment that she probably reached for her leather pouch that housed her Vantage 100’s and her lighter. She’d take a cancer stick out, put it in her mouth and realize something was missing.


As my teammates cried I decided to bring out the secret weapon. I hovered down over the smoldering pile of disappointment and lit several areas of the leaves and kindling with my mother’s lighter and poof! We had a fire. As I scooped their jaws off the ground I grabbed the pack of hotdogs and said, “Hungry?” We all laughed and they hugged me and did a victory dance. I was so proud. Thank you God for older sisters and thank you God for my mother’s lighter. We quickly broke branches and speared lunch and cooked the wieners crispy. We ate, put out our fire and continued on the mission.


I was on fire with the compass. I guided us through those woods like Christopher Columbus. My teammates were ecstatic! The woods weren’t foreign to me. Back home I ran 1 mile through the woods each day to meet my best friend John. I wasn’t scared. As we got closer to the lodge we could smell supper in the air. Pretty soon you could see the smoke in the distance coming from the chimney. We were almost there, almost safe and warm, and minutes ahead of schedule.


The compass was attached to a string and was meant to carry around your neck. I took mine off as we got closer and we begin to skip in delight and swing the compass ‘round and ‘round until it gained so much momentum is took off and it was airborne! As it flew further away in slow motion, I remember yelling “Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo.” And then SPLAT! It was gone in the blink of an eye. In normal geographical conditions this would’ve have been okay. We could’ve just went and picked it up and been on our way. But this wasn’t an option. No, it had to land in the forbidden bog.


A bog is an arctic swamp. They are highly acidic and release stinky sulfur smells and carbon dioxide and are actually very flammable. They have rotting vegetation and lichens and mosses and also have black holes. They are very dangerous if you walk in them as there are black holes that can swallow you without return. Walking in a bog would be like walking in quicksand with cement block for shoes. It is the point of no return. In my case, it was where victory met defeat. As we sat there devastated, the other teams began to run past one by one.


We learn a very strict lesson on cheating that day. We also swore never to speak of the magical lighter. I decided the legendary lighter deserved a proper burial so I chucked it into the bog to be with the compass, its predecessor.


This story went down in my book of virtues. Addiction is like this too. You have really high highs and really low lows. There is victory and then defeat. Even if you have a compass you can still lead down the wrong path.

Day 22

CRAVOMETER:  0
TODAYS MOOD:   Content

HOMEWORK:  Compliment the one you love

My thank you notes and daily compliments ideas from yesterday’s post required too much space so I’m keeping three of the 5 additions. Sorry dad, I broke two of your rules with that last blog. I should’ve KISSED and never ASSUMED. For those of you who don’t know, KISS is short for Keep It Simple Stupid, and you’re never supposed to assume because it can make an ASS out of U and ME. I was making this blogging way to complicated and I assumed people were just sympathy reading and commenting.

Another thing I wanted to change about my posts but decided against is putting a ‘title with description’ on each post to sum them up. That way if it’s a topic you are not interested in, you could skip it and save yourself the time reading it. The only problem with that is writing comes from the heart. My blogging is random and spontaneous and honest. I just sit down and let my fingers go on autopilot. You are going to hate me but I cannot help it…….”Writings like a box of chocolates, you never know what you gonna geeeaat.”


When I first quit drinking the hardest part was the cravings. I should’ve had the cravometer then. It would’ve been back and forth and moving like crazy. I’m picturing an old compass. When you first turn to new direction, the arrow swings from East to West and wobbles back and forth and just when you think it’s not working correctly, it settles in at North and you’re on your way in the right direction again. What’s that fingers, you have a story to tell and you cannot hold back? Okay here it goes….sorry Dad.


Sobriety is like a compass, your mind is steered one way and then the other and just when you think you want to give up and relapse, you straighten out and take the next brave step in the right direction. This takes me back to childhood where I should have learned a very important lesson but instead I just have a funny memory I would like to share.


In grade school we went on a fieldtrip overnight to an educational camp called Lake Beauty. It was a beautiful lake nestled in the woods surrounded by bogs, tamarack forests, and deep woods. It was truly God’s country. The whole class went. There was a lodge and a few bunking quarters. The girls stayed in one cabin and the boys in another. They were actual log cabins filled with bunk beds and cots. Each day, we were assigned a task or mission. They were meant to make you learn how to survive in the wilderness and as a team.


The first lesson was ridiculous, or so I thought at the time. They paired us up with classmates, handed us each a paddle, and pushed our canoes out onto the lake. Our goal was to do a lap around the lake and get further instruction when we got back. There were always ‘incentives’. As a kid incentive meant, on your mark, get set, GO! I could hear the gunshot go off in my head. “Come on Pam! We can do this!” “Paddle!” As we canoed in circles I could feel my blood begin to boil. The boys were half way across the lake already thanks to the frickin’ boy scouts and we’re going in circles! All the girls were either going in circles or tipped over frantically swimming to shore then bawling because the water was frigid. It was October in Minnesota ya know.


I grew up on a lake. I knew how to paddle and steer a canoe, I knew how to slow one down or speed one up. I couldn’t take it. At that weak moment in my life, I learned how to delegate. “Quick! Put your paddle in the canoe and hold on!” Did you know water becomes a solid when you have a destination. The first couple of paddles feel like you’re pulling the canoe with an elephant across the land. With determination, each attempt gets easier and easier and you are suddenly cutting glass across the lake. When you get up to an incredible speed you pull your paddle in and only rotate occasional swipes when you feel the canoe slowing down. We were gaining on the boys! You should’ve seen the fear in Pam’s eyes. Canoes are a little scary at first. Getting in the vessel is a challenge to begin with. Once you finally get in, it’s just you and the lake. The canoe sinks down and you are literally sitting below the water and your upper body is above the water. You become part of the lake. I guess now I can see why she may have been a little intimidated. After all, I was the captain and she was my mate which means her back was facing our destination and the camp counselors were getting smaller and smaller the faster I went.


She must have been praying for a miracle, because all of a sudden the sky opened up and the biggest snowflakes I’ve ever seen in my life started falling slowly from the sky. It was the first snow fall of the year! My favorite! It was one of the most beautiful things I will never forget. The lake had a wall of Norway pines as a border. The reflection of these 40 foot wonders almost met in the middle of the lake, and because it was snowing the sky was white and overcast. The giant fluffy snowflakes were falling onto the lake and the reflection looked like the night sky full of stars twinkling. The flakes were so gigantic that went they landed they took a couple seconds to melt. This gave you enough time to appreciate the symmetrical mapping of each flake. God was amazing.


Pams prayer was answered as every canoe was still and there wasn’t a ripple on the lake. We all were paralyzed by this wonder. It suddenly stopped and the race became a peaceful ride back to the shore. Something was happening at Lake Beauty, something big. It was at that moment in time Mike decided he was going to become an explorer and canoe for a living. Pam decided when she got home she’d take swimming lessons and go on and become an EMT. The girls on shore shivering like drowned rats told themselves they would never go camping, and would only stay in hotels for the rest of their lives. I myself was only thinking of the next mission. I had a huge surprise no one in the history of this camp had ever seen.


You see, I had older sisters that had been to Lake Beauty before. They had told me horror stories to try to scare me but little did they know they were just preparing me. They gave us a pack of hotdogs, three matches, and compass. A camp counselor took us way out into the woods, and our goal was to get back to the camp safety. We had a map with the compass as our guide. With the forest towering us there was no way to see camp, and the forest was too thick to let the sun be our guide. It was very scary. There were three of us in every group. One would be in charge of lunch and carried the matches and the hotdogs, one held the map, and I was in charge of guiding with the use of a compass. This is where I learned how the compass works. It almost psychs you out every time. It was a skill. You had to have a steady hand.


When we got about half way through the map, we stopped for lunch. This is where I became a legend.


To be continued...

Day 21.5

Today I'd like to talk about the comments I've received. I appreciate and love the support. I think it's great that my family for the first time in years has a daily family meeting. What a great gift to have even your parents supporting you at this age. Thank you.


Now here comes the but... I've always had a very hard time accepting compliments and I've never liked to draw attention to myself. This blog does both. Its wonderful therapy for my addiction, but it also helps me accept compliments and brings attention to myself. I need to learn how to accept both gracefully, but until then...


I don't want any of my loved ones to think they need to comment. I'm only bringing this up because I know all of you very well. I know you're thinking "I wouldn't comment if I didn't want to, I'm doing it because I like to and love you." I know, but I also know that part of you probably thinks that if you don't comment I'll think you've quit reading, or I'll start drinking again, or you don't care. This will not happen. I just want you to know that I know you are there for me no matter what. I appreciate and love the comments, but I also feel bad about them. I feel like I've obligated you to something else in your busy lives and that you think I need you to read daily and that's not the message I want to send.

Basically, I feel selfish, and you know how much I loath selfishness! So I decided to change a few things so the blog is more user friendly. This gives you a chance to screen it and decide if you want to continue reading. I'm adding a few things:


1. CRAVOMETER: This new addition to the blog lets you know how I'm doing without having waste time while in a hurry. This will be on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being 'ready to relapse'. This way if you don't have much time, but still want to be there for me you can gage how many comments and support you think I need. For instance, if the 'cravometer' reads 4, I'm okay. If the next day, it's 5, then 6, then 7, then 8, feel free to jump in any time.


2. TODAY'S MOOD: Because this is the closest thing I have to a Facebook, 'today's mood' will be like my 'Status'. This feature will help let you know before reading the blog what kind of mood I'm in. That way, if you prefer the serious posts but are annoyed with the sarcastic ones you can screen it to save yourself the disappointment.


3. DAILY THANK YOU NOTE: A way for me to give thanks daily. This is also very therapeutic.


4. DAILY COMPLIMENT: This gives me the opportunity to give back to my friends and family. The comments you've provided are so heart felt and help so much. They are daily compliments in my eyes and I thank you for this. This will give me the chance to recognize you 'givers' out there.


5. DAILY HOMEWORK: This is just a fun addition for you self-help junkies out there who love a challenge.

For those of you who think I'm crazy, just read comment number one on Day 21 blog.  The Old Feller makes me laugh.  Just for his sake, I've decided in addition to all of my new additions, I will also start naming my blog posts.  The name will be like a Chapter title in a book.  I will make sure it appropriately sums up the post for even more 'easy reading', or not reading.  Example:  Day 21 would've been titled TIPS FOR WEIGHT LOSS SUCCESS.  Had I labeled it, The Old Feller could've saved himself a minute or two.  Hee hee.

Day 21

Today I turned 31 and hit 21 days of sobriety. 21 days feels really good. It’s calm, relaxed, laid back and wonderful. I’ve developed this patience I never had before. I actually let my almost 3 1/2 year old daughter paint my toenails and finger nails last night. She told me while she was doing it that “I was the coolest mom in our community and she wasn’t even joking”. She dripped polish on the rug, made my fingers and toes look like they were all bleeding and it didn’t even faze me. Prior to my quitting, I wouldn’t even considered this. I love patience!


My heart feels great also. My anxiety is low which stops my palpitations, my arrhythmia hasn’t hit me for a month, and my blood pressure is lower from absence of alcohol. I’m 31 going on 25. One of the things I’d like to work on now is my weight. The first two weeks of sobriety I kept thinking why can’t I just get addicted to exercise or sex or something that would make me look good? My husband would love either counter addiction and my body would be rockin’. But then I caught another annoying news clip of Tiger Woods and I decided that the sex addiction wouldn’t be the healthiest. If I try to create the exercise addiction, I will definitely blog daily about it and you can all join a hysterical journey with me. It will be hilarious, I promise.


I know I’ll be able to stick to it if I journal daily because it works. I’ve got 21 days of sobriety to prove it. For any of my friends addicted to food, let me offer a word of advice. I’ve tried every diet they’ve ever made and the only thing that actually worked for me was food journaling. I was held accountable for everything I ate and when you have to document not only what you ate, but how much and the nutritional value, you think twice the next time you want to eat those comfort foods. Trust me, when you start realizing you take in more than your daily 2000 its eye opening. Also, there are kick ass websites for food journaling that do all the calculations for you. You just search for the food or drink and it automatically tallies up everything you need. It has daily activities as simple as walking to your vehicle in the parking lot to walking a mile. (Do you like my wide range of exercise? Most people would think… walking to your vehicle to running a marathon. Not this whipper snapper.) You can click literally click on ‘took a shower’ and it’ll calculate how many calories you burned. At the end of the day you can see how many more calories you need to burn or even intake (because part of losing weight is actually taking in enough calories also) so you can talk a quick walk or eat if needed.


These websites are amazing tools. I suggest starting out by Googling ‘free daily diet journals’ or ‘free daily diet logs’ and looking at a few. Once you’ve found two you think look good, join both. For the first week, log on both sites not only to see which one is user friendlier, but if they accurate. If one seems a little off, double check it’s stats. Even do some research on consumer reports? I’ve learned not to trust everything I Google or read on the internet. Some people prefer Bing or Yahoo, but I’m a true Googler. I tend to get distracted with Bing beautiful background and Yahoo is advertisement city.


I think I almost just talked myself into dieting again. I shouldn’t say diet. The definition of diet in my book is ‘temporarily losing weight and then gaining back twice as much when you quit’. So technically the definition of diet is ‘Gaining the amount of weight you intend to lose’. OMG! I’ve been at this all wrong. I would like to start eating better so I either maintain my current weight or lose a few inches. I hate to do this because my mother has more than quoted Tim McGraw on her comments; (and my husband despises Tim McGraw) but I keep getting his song stuck in my head ‘My next 30 years’. There’s a verse that says “In my next 30 years, I’m gonna watch my weight, eat a few more salads and not stay up so late; drink a few more lemonades and not so many beers, Lord have mercy on my next 30 years.” True that.


When I’ve gotten the reigns a little tighter on this addiction thing and I’m looking for my next challenge, I will tackle weight loss. I will let you know because a few of my friends who follow this blog have admitted to food addiction. We can do it together! It’ll be fun…ny! We can be extremely honest, share hilarious exercise stories, and I’ll even journal everything I consume in a day including a caloric total on the blog. We would have great support. I’ve even got a cheer leading squad I’d share with you! They are my commentary family…hey guys! It’s just an idea that would be challenging, fun, and I know we could do it together.


My problem while I drank wasn’t food addiction, but more a ‘eat like crap the next day’ problem. If you watch your salt intake, you lose weight, and you crave less salty foods. The same goes for sugar. It’s amazing. When you eat fast food, you crave fast food and you get into this unstoppable cycle. If you eat salads and Subway you crave good foods and veggies. The body is amazing…ly annoying. When I drank alcohol, I craved alcohol. Alcohol is sugar. Now that I don’t drink alcohol, my body still thinks it needs sugar. I’m showing you my new food problem. Sugar. I crave sugar. I crave anything sweet and this is not good. I need to watch it so I don’t counter addict sweets. Why can’t man live on Salted Nut Rolls alone?


I’m feeling great today! I got up at 6:30 this morning; something I haven’t done on ‘the day after my birthday morning’ in years. Day 22 here we come!