Day 2

Day 2 went fine until my drive home from work. This is when I start thinking about what I'm going to make for supper. The problem is, I like cooking with wine. I don't mean marinating steak in a little cabernet, or adding a little sherry to some chicken. I enjoy a glass or 4 of wine while I prepare supper. After dinner, I use being full to justify a caffeinated beverage, to wake up of course. A Bacardi diet becomes dessert.

In treatment, these thoughts that lead to drinking are called stinkin' thinkin'. You are supposed to recognize these thoughts and have a plan to think of something else to break your routine. That is why I take my Antabuse on the way home from work. It reminds me I cannot drink.

I'd like to talk about the definition of an alcoholic. Clinically, they say you are an alcoholic if you black out 2 or more times a month. They also say if alcohol has led to 2 or more bad decisions you regret, you might be an alcoholic.  Many people are confused what an alcoholic really is. Just for shits and giggles, Google-image 'alcoholic'. I promise my picture won't pop up. There are the typical pictures of homeless men tattered and torn. There's a silhouette of a man in deep regret with the bottle against his forehead. I wish I could photograph what symbolizes all kinds of alcoholics.

Many of you who know me pretty well may be shocked by the news that I'm an alcoholic. Let me help you by defining what kind of alcoholic I am. They call me a 'functioning alcoholic'.  I'm the kind of alcoholic who can hold a full time job, pay bills, be a mother, a wife, a friend, and still have time to find time for hobbies.

Sounds great, right? Well, the functioning drunk also tucks her daughter in at night, waits for her husband to fall asleep, and binge drinks to forget all of the stress of the day. A functioning drunk takes care of everyone but them self. They cry themselves to sleep some nights because they hate who they've become. A functioning drunk thinks of how overweight they've become. We are disgusted by ourselves and wish we could stop.  A functioning drunk wishes they had a Face book but doesn't want anyone from her past to see how horrible they look. We repeat "God help me quit!" over and over in our heads while we shower. We binge drink to forget.

I also have recently fallen into a deeper stage of alcoholism I like to call 'the narcoleptic alcoholic'. This is one of the most embarrassing stages of alcoholism. I used to laugh at the people in treatment that got a DWI because the officer found them asleep at a stop sign. I regret that. A few cocktails towards the end literally shut my body down in the middle of everyday activities. This is where honestly meets humility. Yes, I'm talking about passing out in a car, on the phone, during conversation, on the bar, going to the bathroom, standing up, or even in the middle of a sip of a cocktail. This is so humbling, wow! To put a positive spin on a disgusting illness, I believe God turned me into a narcoleptic drunk to save me from dying. Unfortunately, I've never been a 'puker'. This is a healthy person's body saying it's had enough. Part of my illness is my body doesn't know when it's had enough.

Heredity is also a huge factor of this disease. I come from a long line of alcoholics. My paternal grandfather drank a pint of Vodka a day. I remember as a kid going to flush the toilet and it would either want to overflow or the chain would fall off. Grandpa always kept a bottle of Vodka in the tank of the toilet. Not only did he think it was a good hiding spot, it was icy cold every pull. (For grandpa!  I didn't start THAT young.) That's probably where I got my hiding idea though. You see, towards the end my husband was so fed up I had to hide little bottles wherever he wouldn't look so I could get my fix without him yelling at me. When I decided to quit it took me forever to remember where all the bottles were. I only found around 8. Thank you grandpa.  Oh, just an FYI, my grandpa finally quit drinking when he put his car through two buildings at 11 a.m. one morning leaving the bar.  I'd like to meet these wackos who think alcoholism isn't a disease and isn't hereditary.

Personality type is another great factor. I am the youngest child and I have an addictive personality. I also want to be the best at everything I do. Here's an example of why this can be a bad personality trait. When I asked the doctor about antabuse, I also asked him about medicine for withdrawal symptoms. You see, they say when you quit drinking you can get severe withdrawal symptoms. They call them DT's I guess. When the doctor asked me how much I was drinking, I honestly told him 6-10 drinks daily. He told me I'd be fine and I wouldn't need any withdrawal meds. I wasn't sure if I was offended or relieved. I wasn't the best alcoholic?  Hell, if I had known that I would've stepped it up a notch the last couple of weeks.

For anyone reading this who gets the wrong idea, for any young person out there who likes the idea of the 'functioning alcoholic' or gets the wrong idea that 6-10 drinks is okay, you're wrong! You may party only on the weekends, never black out, and gets straight A's. You may only drink 2-3 glasses of wine a night and think you are fine.  Ask yourself if you have a family history of alcoholism.  Do you have an addictive personality?  Do you have any regrets caused by drinking?  Do you have any injuries due to drinking?  Just take a good look in the mirror and picture yourself older, uglier, worn out, and 50 pounds overweight. Picture yourself full of regret and anxiety. Picture yourself spending less time with people you love and more time with a glass of poison in your hand. It will eventually get to all of us. It is a slow killer.

Please cut back or stop while you're ahead. It gets harder every time. This is my 5th good attempt to quit drinking.

Day 2 was a good day.  Thank you to all who made such encouraging comments.  I appreciate all of you!