Day 34

I'll give you a good real life example of these helpful quiting tools and how they helped me when I almost relapsed yesterday. The day began and I was going to work my second job. My husband took my daughter with a friend of his and his daughter for a little outing. When I was done with my work I phoned my husband and he said he'll "be home in a little bit". I told him "since I worked 55 hours this week I'd like to get out of the house and do something nice for dinner". I meant just him and I but did not tell him this. Remember always to be extremely detailed when dealing with men.

The clock turned to to 1, then 2, and 3 and 4 and by five o'clock I was steaming. By blood was boiling and I assumed he was off with our daughter and his buddy drinking beer and galavanting. I was so pissed off and wondered if my daughter was okay. Were they driving with kids under the influence? Did they feed the girls? Did they nap? Are they warm enough? I was so worried and irate!

I calmed myself down with positive thoughts and breathing exercises. I decided to trust him as a father. He called around 6:30 and asked what I had planned. I got annoyed and reminded him that I told him what I wanted to do earlier and that he never listens. He then interrupted and mentioned going to his favorite restaurant. I was relieved. He did listen for once. Then he redeemed my suspicion and said our friend's family of 4 was going to meet us there.

I got annoyed and told him to have fun as I hung up the phone. He called back and asked if I had any better suggestions and I told him again that I was not interested in doing that and to have fun. I also told him to drop off my daughter on the way because I need to take her to the babysitter so I can go out to eat like originally planned, but by myself. Now he got annoyed.

He told me he'd come home in a little while. Meanwhile, I was so pissed of that he wanted to invite a family of four to our frickin' date night. I worked fifty five hours this week and I worked the next day so I need a sanity break even if it's two hours alone with my husband at a restaurant.

That's when the 'stinkin' thinkin' started. I thought screw him! If he wants to run and play all day with his buddy, who had been there the evening before, and even overnight, then fine. I know they were drinking beer. I'm not going to be one of those people who quits doing something and then criticises everyone who still does it, I'm not. But you better believe I was annoyed at the fact of when he called around one and it is now six thirty and he not once called a sober responsible parent (myself) and asked if I can come get the girls so they are safe. I was pissed off that he was going to ruin date night because he'd rather be with his friends than alone with his wife.

I'll show him! I'm going to run up to the bar and have one or two and go home. This way, when he comes home buzzed up I will be also and I can say, "Why is it okay if you do it but not me?" I'll show him! I try so hard everyday and work my ass off for this family and get no escape! I don't see why I have to do everything and get nothing in return. Screw it! I'm gonna go have just one. I don't even care if I've made it 37 days. (I'm behing on my blogging, I'm actually at 37)If I did it once, I can do it again.

I continued thinking negatively and then started a paperwork project for my second job and forgot how mad I was. Then my husband, his friend, and the girls arrived back home. His friend asked my if we were all going to go out to eat and I quickly remembered why I was so mad. I esponded, "The last thing I want to do after a fifty five hour work week is go to a nice restaurant with the girls who haven't napped, and will throw crabby fits and embarrass me at the restaurant! Going out to eat with two tired three year olds is as relaxing as running a marathon!" He replied, "I understand, that's cool."

My husband said, "Why didn't you just tell me that, that makes sense." The moral of my story; I am a fool. I actually considered breaking my sobriety and going to go have a cocktail because men are not mind readers. If I would just realize that they do not listen, they hear what they want to hear, and they cannot read minds, I'd be in a lot better shape. Wow! I'm an idiot! Again, this disease is ruthless! Thank God I've been practicing for 37 days and now that I know how to use the tools I subconciously started doing paperwork that stopped my from thinking about the bar anymore. I remember thinking of how disappointe my family would be. I even thought about being $200 dollars poorer (inside joke).I thought positive thoughts for awhile. I subconciously calmed myself down defore they arrived home.

Thank you God.

To elaborate on my husbands status, he was not drunk, he said he had a headache so he couldn't drink much and he was sober. We ended up getting a babysitter for long enough to go out to eat. We enjoyed eachothers company and had a fantastic evening. It sure was nice.