Day 38

If you have tried cigarettes and enjoyed the ‘high’ but don’t get the same feeling when you smoke them anymore, chances of you being comfortable trying marijuana if it’s offered to you are pretty likely. This terrifies me because my daughter is only 3 and I catch her pretending she’s smoking looking in the mirror. She’ll have one hand on her hip and she’ll be in a movie star position with a pen or straw in her other hand smoking it. One of her grandmas whom she loves dearly smokes and my daughter now thinks it’s what you are supposed to do because her dear sweet grandma does it.

I’ve never smoked around her and now that she’s old enough to remember everything I don’t want her to see alcohol glorified and drank around her. This is one of the main reasons I quit. All the experts say your value system is developed from birth to age 5. This is a crucial time when children develop beliefs. I am now terrified she will smoke one day and then follow in my footsteps. That is why I thought it was okay to smoke cigarettes. I thought that’s what the cool grown-ups did. My beautiful mother did it so I wanted to. I was the youngest of three girls and I was always too little to be included so when I had the chance, I wanted to grow up quick and do grown up things.

I know you’ll be comfortable with marijuana if you smoke because I was. I wasn’t afraid to try it and thank God I hated it. That is one drug I never could stand. It made me giggle until my cheeks were sore and eat like a pig and then sit in a daze with no care in the world for hours. You couldn’t control it. You were lazy and numb and relaxed and tired. I did not like drugs that ‘tranquilized’ me. I preferred anything that gave me energy and woke me up.

So I tampered with cigarettes and tried marijuana in 7th and 8th grade. There would also be the occasional party and there would be alcohol. I drank occasionally. Someone would usually bring a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 or a few Colt 45’s or Mickey’s 40s. You would chug as much as you could handle and pass it on. At that point I would usually get an enjoyable buzz and that’s it. We were too young to get our own yet so we just drank what we could and usually that wasn’t much. The only drinking memory I have from my pre high school days was being at a party and one of my girlfriends got a bottle of Everclear from her older brother. I binge drank almost half the bottle. I remember because I’m sure I had alcohol poisoning. I was so drunk and so sick. That was the first time out of the 3 times I puked in my life from alcohol. I always prayed to God he would turn me into a puker. He never graced me with this request. I knew I had a problem early on.

I only did these bad things occasionally and then I entered high school. This was a whole different community. The things we did in Junior High weren’t as accepted in high school. There was more pressure to be academically or athletically recognized. I had a sister who was popular and a recognized athlete. She was an all star basketball player. She broke school records and won awards. I remember how much I wanted to be just like her. I was so proud to be her sister. I stood tall my freshman year and loved being noticed as her little sister. I had older friends and hung out with the juniors and seniors. I rode around with popular guys who drove nicer cars than my parents had. I was on top of the world.