Day 39

My dad was on the road a lot with his job and my mom worked a lot also. They had to work long hours to keep up with the mortgage, old debt, and three daughters. They had to keep up with my middle sister’s band trips and basketball camps. She always had something to go to or participate in that cost a lot of money. My mom and dad provided for us very well. They never said no even when it probably meant only being able to put $10 in their gas tank. They sacrificed so much so their girls would have the perfect prom dress or the latest Girbaud’s or Z-Cavaricci’s.

We were spoiled if you ask me. My eldest sister wasn't spoiled because she didn't allow herself to be spoiled. She always had a job and was extremely responsible. She worked hard and earned everything she had. She kept her door padlocked to keep her pesty sisters out. I think deep down the eldest was annoyed that our other sister got everything and she only got what she paid for out of pocket.

What seems obvious now was the last justification we would've had as kids. My eldest sister was very independent and her personality type didn't allow her to accept 'charity' from mom and dad. She thrived on making my parents proud, especially dad, to subconciously make up for the mistakes she had made when we lived in Minnesota. It was like she thought she needed to redeem herself or something. I still loved her either way.

My middle sister accepted anything mom and dad had to give. This is why I know my niece and nephew will be taken care of. She has turned into a wonderful provider and mother. No matter what the cost mentally or physically, she puts her children above her needs. She reminds me of my mom that way.

And then there was me, the youngest. I wanted to please everyone. I wanted everyone to get along. I was a modern day hippy. "Peace, love, and happiness...or hair grease"...depending on where you are geographically. I didn't like to bother people and I didn't like asking for money from mom or dad if I needed it. I got along with both of my sisters and annoyed the crap out of them at times too.

There are always pros and cons to everthing. My sister's teenage years hold an awkward time in their memories and even talking to them today, I sense they hold onto a little unhealthy resentment. But they blossomed into wonderful woman. What used to be their weaknesses are now their strengths. Myself, on the other hand, had a weak personality that may have kept my parents blood pressure low while I was younger but put it off the charts when I landed a life of reckless behavior.

I'm so lucky I had wonderful parents and sisters with such good influence to keep me breathing. I wouldn't be here today if my family circumstances were any different. Thank you Mom, Dad, Eldest, Middle:) I love you all so much.

Girls, don't be mad at this next section. Keep in mind these are my feelings from when I was little and I am a different person now. I have NO resentments or regrets about my birth order. I loved and still love being the youngest. It made me who I am growing into right now. If mom reads this post she'll probable start quoting lines from Poison..."Every Rose has it's thorn..." ;)

I was always on the sidelines, literally. Being the youngest can is usually a tough birth order because although you are loved and taken care of, there are so many expectations and exceptions. People are constantly comparing and judging. It was very frustrating when I was good at different things than my middle sister, especially when it came to basketball.

People thought that just because I was tall and we shared the same blood as Michael Jorden, I mean my sister, that I would be equally as good. Wrong. I was okay. I was a good defensive player and she was a good all around player. It’s odd being on the same varsity team as your senior sister. It’s also odd playing the same position. I thought it would be cool, but I would get stage fright and loath being on the court if she were too. I felt like every time I got the ball people would wait for me to do something incredible with it, like score. I’d freeze. When she would get the ball it was always magical. I could practically hear "We are the champions, my friends..." or the whistling theme when the Globetrotters come on. I would just pass it off just as fast as I could to avoid the attention. I’ve never liked to draw extra attention to myself…I said I never liked to draw attention to myself. I didn’t say I never DREW attention to myself. I was good at that...but it was usually negative.

Do you have any idea what it’s like to play in a Varsity basketball game with one of the toughest coaches in the district? How about when you lose? Post game we would watch a video of the game in slow motion so the coach could critique our every move. This is a useful approach when trying to see where you can improve. It’s not so useful when you are constantly told you need to position, or check, or rebound just like your sister. After getting lectured after games on how I should be more like my sister, I would go home and get the same advice from my dad.

This kind of psychological garbage is just a normal part of life. To someone with my personality who wants her own identity and likes to try new things, it’s a ‘not so normal’ part of life. I remember trying to ignore my feelings of disappointment. I felt like I never did anything right. I hated not meeting expectations. I needed to be good at my own things. I wanted people to remember me as me and not the little sister of that great basketball player.

I quickly found friends who were the opposite of my sister and her friends. They loved that I was coming over to the ‘dark side’. I loved rebelling. The ‘bad kids’ thought it was cool that I wasn’t hanging out with the jocks, and the most popular kids and gave them the time of day. They loved seeing an athlete and a ‘goody two shoes’ skip school and do naughty things. I loved the praise I received from my new followers. They put me on a pedestal and soaked up anything I said or did.

I remember when the school day ended. I would go lift weights and work out before basketball practice, and then go to the 1-2 hour practice. I would rush outside the lower gym after practice and smoke a cigarette before I got in my car to go home. Wow! What the hell was I thinking? I actually remember thinking I was cool because I could do everything an athlete could, and still smoke disgusting cigarettes. Kids are so naïve.

I thought my eldest sister was cool too. She always had hot boyfriends with their own apartments and she smoked and listened to rock music. She was so responsible and was a functioning rebel. I remember when she got her very own apartment with her friend. I was so proud of her and envious at the same time. I bragged to all my friends about it. I remember going there and wanting to ask her to buy me and my friends cigarettes or alcohol, but being too chicken shit to ask. I respected her way too much. Neither of my sisters were ever a bad influence on me.

My middle sister was in the paper weekly with the most impressive basketball statistics. She’d be on the front cover of the local sports page in a huge picture with a great write up. I remember clipping and saving all of these articles for her and making a scrapbook.I was so proud of her.

I remember the first time I was in the paper. There was a write up about a party that got busted and over 40 minors were given out. The men’s and woman’s varsity basketball teams lost 40% of their players. It was at my boyfriend’s house, and not only got my first alcohol charge of many, but I got kicked off the varsity basketball team. Anyone who was anyone was at this party. My sister and her crew even stopped in but were lucky enough to get out before the cops came. That was an insane event and eye opener for the school and all of our parents. That is when everyone started cracking down and I had to start being more creatively sneaky.

My sister graduated and went to a University on a full ride basketball scholarship and my boyfriend graduated and went away to a University as well. All of the good influences I had left and people to look out for me and take care of me were gone just like that. I was alone and had to start from scratch again. I was now at the bottom of the totem poll again.

This is when I fell hard and fast and hit rock bottom. I’m talking about when cigarettes and alcohol turned into a nightmare.