Day 40-49

I actually blogged a Day 40 nine days ago, I won’t put the entire thing on here as it is a little vulgar, but here’s a taste of my mood that day...

May 5, 2010 6:01:00 AM
I'm gonna be completely honest, I'm annoyed. I want to drink so bad right now. I used to enjoy writing my posts and reading my comments. It has become something I feel I have to do and the enjoyment has passed. I would begin and end my day with positive thoughts and closure with specific therapy tools that I have embraced from the past. Now I type, erase, retype, erase, retype and cross my fingers. You've all sucked the life out of me again and once again I cannot do anything right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Unless you've been through alcohol treatment several times and know what is healthy and effective when quitting, don't judge my methods. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all. I can feel my heart pounding right now and I want to scream! I want to drink and numb these angry feelings because anger isn't healthy. I specifically said I don't have any resentment or wouldn't change a thing. I sugar coated the crap out of the last two blogs because I know how critical everybody is.

I had to quit blogging to gather my thoughts. I had lost all desire. A couple nights ago I had a dream that I was swimming at this pool and I couldn’t catch be breath or swim very well. It was all very labored. I went to one of my favorite dream interpretation websites and this is what I found.

“To see a pool of water in your dream, indicates that you need to understand and deal with your emotions. You need to dive right in. Alternatively, a pool may indicate your need for cleansing. You need to wash away the past. “

This is from dreammoods.com. I really enjoy this website. The ‘dream dictionary’ has everything from A to Z that you may come across in your dream and what your dreams are telling you. In this particular dream I would have to agree. I do need to wash away the past. I need to move forward. Plus, it has proved to be a thorn in everyone’s side when I talk about the past. So, you are welcome! Those who comment who cannot stand that I am helping myself, you are welcome. I am giving up the section of my therapy that is most important and made me who I am today. I do not like to disappoint others so I give up.

On a brighter note, I’m still sober! Tomorrow will be Day 50! My sister just sent me a beautiful blue bracelet with gorgeous glass beads and a metallic pendant with praying hands on one side and the Serenity Prayer on the back. I not only treasure it but I will wear it with pride as I have earned it.

The past ten days I’ve been in a depressed state of no desire. I haven’t been able to concentrate or finish anything. I have also felt physical pain. I’ve been to the Chiropractor and had acupuncture a total of four times and this chronic neck pain and migraine just will not go away.
My body aches, I’ve gained weight, (even after not drinking for 49 days?!) and I haven’t had a period in two months and I’m not pregnant. My anxiety has crested.

I think my anxiety meds cannot even fight my confused liver and body. Thankfully I have my annual physical on Tuesday the 18th and I will get to the bottom of this set back.

This is basically where I’ve been for the last week and a half. I will quit whining now and suck it up. Let’s talk business.

My dream last night requires no interpretation website. I dreamt that I relapsed and drove wasted all the way to Minneapolis and then back to my parent’s house in my dad’s vehicle. I had crashed into and ruined a bunch of my grandmother’s lawn furniture and parked my dad’s car horribly into his garage damaging it some more. My parents were so disappointed. I was so ashamed. Don’t ask me why I lived at my parent’s house again. In my dream everyone knew this would happen because I had fallen distant and quit blogging.

I know this wouldn’t happen, but I think I need to stay accountable so I don’t fall into old habits. The dream also reminds me of a part of my therapy that is very important. I apologized to my husband and daughter and friends for my past behavior, however, I there are more who deserve apologies. This dream makes it clear that I have done reckless things in the past when I was under my parent’s roof.

Mom, I am so sorry for disappointing you all those years. I am sorry for all the sleepless nights when you would hope I would stumble in rather than an officer knock at your door. I am sorry for the many mornings you spent more time trying to get me out of bed than getting yourself ready for your long work days. I apologize for the thousands of dollars I wasted on basketball camps that didn’t pay off. I’m sorry for the thousands of dollars you paid when I was very young on court fines, fees, detention center charges, etc… I’m sorry for ever hurting your feelings. I’m sorry for the embarrassment I cost you. I’m sorry for all the lying and cheating and stealing. I’m sorry for causing any pain. I am so sorry that I was such a hurricane of emotions. I’m sorry for any years of enjoyment I robbed you of. I’m sorry for ever making you think it was your fault or if there was anything you could have done different. The answer to that is NO! This was my little run with the devil and you couldn’t have prevented it in any way. You were and are the most amazing, kind hearted woman in the world. You are so sweet and positive and supportive and gentle. Grandpa Ray agrees. I’m truly sorry and I am asking for your forgiveness. I love you so much mom.