Day 4

Day 4 is quite an accomplishment.  The last time I went this long without, was when I was pregnant with my daughter.  I'm proud of myself but I'm really lonely.  I've distanced myself from my social circle for obvious reasons.  I feel empty inside.  I'm bored.  Other than my regular anxiety med, there's not a mood altering drop in me.  I've been medicated so long I'm not sure what normal is supposed to feel like.  So far, I admit, I don't like it.  It's boring and uneventful.  There's no spontaneity.  There are no 'highs'.  I'm not sure my body even has adrenaline in it.  This is how it feels to be in the early stages of sobriety. 

Listen to me!  I sound like a whiner.  I need someone to slap me and ask me if I'd rather be dead or in jail.  I need someone to ask me if I ever remember those false senses of euphoria the next day.  I need someone to drag me out to the garage and tighten my head in a vice, put an air compressor hose up each nostril, dry my mouth out with a leaf blower, and spin me around until I'm nauseous.  Why don't those awful mornings, the ones where you swear you'll never drink for as long as you live, etch a permanent warning in your conscious?  I think this is yet another unfortunate symptom of this disease.

I'm starting to see why they say you need to make lifestyle changes when you conquer an addiction.  Whether it be losing weight, quitting smoking, alcoholism, or drug addiction, you need to learn how to live again.  You need to learn how to feel without.  You need to learn how to cope without.  You need to start over and change the entire routine of your life.  You may need to change your route home from work so you don't pass a liquor store.  You may need to stay away from people who stress you out, or encourage you to relapse.  Conquering addiction isn't just quitting.  So many people don't understand why the 2 pack a day smoker with family history of lung cancer just doesn't up and quit.  People look down upon others who get DWI's and continue to drink.  People laugh at the 'idiot' who takes prescription pills as their drug of choice. 
These people all have serious underlying conditions and it makes me sad that a large percent of them will die as a result of their illness.

My heart goes out to the millions of people that just cannot take it and the economy pushes them over the edge.  I wonder if this 'Health Care Reform' will include mental health benefits because our nation will need it.  Statistically it's hard to see the percentage of Americans who are alcoholics.  Many do not seek medical help for fear of what the doctor will find.  Many end up dying of liver failure.  Many doctors diagnose them with diabetes and/or high blood pressure but fail to see the underlying problem.  I admit a big part of my urge to quit is my health.  I've had borderline high blood sugar for a couple years and my blood pressure has gone from a steady 105/70 to averaging 150/90.  I'm 70 pounds overweight.  My heart gets stuck in arrhythmia a couple times a week.  Although it's hereditary, I know it's a big part of withdrawal.  My heart gets a marathon work out when I have a huge 2-3 day bender, and then quit for a day or 2.  By day 2 I can physically feel the effects it had on my body and my body yearning for more.  I'm only 30 years old.

If this were a reality show, I'd quit taking my Antabuse, wait 12 hours, get completely annihilated, and justify my actions by keeping up ratings.  Unfortunately this isn't a reality show and it is my very serious life.  I owe to myself, my husband, my daughter, and my family to at least give this everything I've got. 

Hopefully tomorrow's post provides a little less seriousness and more laughter.