Day 5

When you quit anything that has been a part of your life for 15 years, it's just like grieving the loss of a dear friend.  It's bittersweet.  It's also like grieving the loss of family member you held resentment against but never had a chance to make amends or say goodbye.  Almost every memory, good or bad, is somehow linked to my old friend.  In fact, when I decided to say goodbye for good and went on mission 'find the flasks' around my house, I actually considered a funeral.  I threw away each bottle.  I actually felt bad. I even took a picture of them in the garbage.  I thought they deserved a little better after all we had been through.  Alcohol tucked me into bed every night.  It was my date to every wedding, gathering, dinner, party, graduation, and every holiday for many years.  It comforted then numbed my thoughts when I was upset, sad, lonely, or mad.  It was the first to know when it was time to celebrate anything great that happened.  If someone died, it held a toast to celebrate that person's life.  I considered burying the bottles in the backyard for a symbolic farewell and some closure.  The disturbing thought of me barefoot, in my pajamas, screaming and crying as hail pelts against my bareback and head, clawing at the surface of the burial site frantically like i was saving a kitten that had been buried, quickly changed my mind from that crazy idea!

On a positive note, I've bounced back from many unfortunate losses in my life, so what's one more?  I just need to learn what people  do that don't drink.  How do they deal with their anger?  How do they conquer their fears?  How do they handle disappointment?  Does dealing with normal issues in life have a big impact on normal peoples' personalities?  Will I change?  Will I age?  Will people still like me? Can I still strike up a conversation without a 'can of confidence'?  These are all questions all addicts need to ask themselves.  I think a good answer to everyone including myself at this point of sobriety should be, "Who cares!?"  It's very easy to think like this.

I need to stop worrying about myself and worry about my family.  My daughter will love me unconditionally if I'm alive and well enough to care for her, love her, and provide for her.  She'll thank me one day for being me.  The greatest thanks and reward for being sober will be who my daughter becomes.  She tells me daily she wants to be just like me.  I don't ever want her to go through or feel any of the pain I've been through in my life.  I pray she isn't like me!  I need to get better so she has the role model she deserves.

I not ashamed of where I'm at in life.  I actually walk taller with pride and better posture these days.  I'm adding years to my life.  Everything I've encountered over the years and all of the mistakes I've learned from make me who I am today.  My destiny is so close I can smell it.  I think I'm closer to my 'purpose in life' than I ever have been.  I will use everything I learn on this big journey as tools to help others.  Maybe it's some twisted sign that my dad once gave me the book 'A Purpose Driven Life', and my alcoholic genes.