Day 12

This next section is one of the most important pieces to my addiction puzzle. I'll start with the first of many reasons I started drinking alcohol. When I was 17 years old, I used drinking alcohol as my counter-addiction. 

It's not often when someone counter-addicts to a better drug. Most people start with cigarettes, then they smoke a little 'wacky tabacky', start drinking and before you know it they are modeling on the cover of the D.A.R.E. brochure with meth-mouth. 'Google image' meth mouth, I dare you. I seem to be the exception to every rule. I started with cigarettes, the gateway drug, and went right for the white stuff. When I returned 'home' and chose alcohol.

I had entered a new high school as a result of this decision. It was my senior year. I didn't join the basketball team, so I didn't have an after school activity. I didn't have any friends yet. I was surrounded by new people in an entirely different culture. Observing my former peers and their beliefs was like being in my own version of Mitch Album's 'The Five People You Meet In Heaven'. It really gave me the chance to see what might of been. Alcohol comforted me and gave me a false sense of confidence. It numbed my fear of rejection in a new place.

I eventually made the decision to go back to my roots. I chose to go back to a peaceful place in my memory. I ran away to the heaven I grew up in. What brought me to this point was that I had hit rock bottom, died, was revived from the dead, and starting my 5th life; well that's what it felt like at the time. I went from a small town of 527 people without diversity, to the big city of Omaha. Talk about a culture shock. I was a good kid for years, but a couple bad influences mixed with my addictive personality were the recipe for disaster

I was slowly killing myself with cocaine. I had tried to quit several times. I was so addicted. God finally guided my sister to find my 'stash' on a family vacation and the interventions began. I still couldn't stop. I was literally skin and bone. I had dodged overdosing one too many times. I remember getting so tweaked out that I would lose my hearing for several minutes, my vision would get blurry, and I would go into a shock-like state. I'd become paralyzed with fear. Even after being petrified, I still found myself using again and again. Every dime I made from all of my jobs went directly up my nose. What a waste! The only way out of a situation that bad was to run. I had to leave everyone who was linked to my addiction. I had to leave all that was associated with my miserable lifestyle. This bold move saved my life.

I can still taste phantom cocaine occasionally. I even crave it sometimes. Addiction is such a scary thing. I permanently clench and grind my teeth as a side effect to the cocaine. It ruined so many relationships and made me do so many horribly unforgivable things, yet I still miss it. Thank you for the good times and memories, thank you for the adventure, and most of all, thank you for making me stronger by not killing me. This may be disturbing for some of you to hear, but all of my past experiences make me who I am today. It also gives you an idea what true addiction feels like.

You never get over addiction 100%. You're in a constant battle and need to have you defenses up at all times. Conquering addiction is like being in a terrible accident, and being told you're never going to walk again. You have to go to therapy to learn how to walk and talk again. You have to learn everything over again and experience a million 'firsts'. Chemical dependency is a way of life. When you take away the chemical, you must learn how to do everything again without the chemical. Therapy definitely helps dependency.

This blog is wonderful therapy. It helps me resurrect the tools that I have from previous treatments and experiences. It helps remind me of ways to deal with situations that may arise. It gives me something to look forward to daily when I'd normally be drinking alcohol. The wonderful comments offer me the support system I need. The honesty I practice gives me dozens of accountability partners. Blogging is journaling. Have you ever tried a weight loss diet and failed? Have you ever tried to eat healthier and kept track of your caloric intake in a food journal? Which one lasted longer? I'm 99.9% sure that journaling helped you last longer, make better decisions when you did eat, and have less binging meltdowns. I've been there and done that and I believe journaling/blogging is my new drug of choice.

In my game of life, everything happens for a reason. Some things may be hard to digest. God sometimes deals us a losing hand or a tragedy may occur. I believe that what we retain from our life’s lessons ensures our purpose not be a complete disappointment.