Day 10

My grandfather was a raging alcoholic who quit drinking just a few years before he lost his battle with cancer.  My grandmother, father, and his siblings enjoyed a very peaceful man those last few years.  He was a different person and they cherished those sober years with him.  I'd like to give my daughter and husband many sober years of positive memories. 

In a situation like my grandfather's or my own, people often forget about the closest loved ones, or dependants.  Years ago, my grandmother found my drunken grandfather on the entryway floor with a busted open head.  Grandma just sowed his head back up with a regular needle and thread.  No anesthetics were needed in his condition.  My father, who was just a kid, witnessed this scary and bloody horror.  Those are the memories that haunted him for life.  I do not wish to do this to my daughter, since history repeats itself.

My husband may have contributed to some of the stresses in life 'drove me to drink' over the years, and he himself may indulge a little too much as well.  What people don't know about him is that he's the spouse of an alcoholic.  The spouse of an alcoholic sleeps on the couch because their passed out 'loved one' snored too loud from drinking too much.  The spouse of a alcoholic fears they might have to leave their 'loved one' in the car, out in the cold, in the bar, or wherever they would pass out because they cannot carry a belligerent drunk home safe to bed.  They take verbal abuse and insults. The drunks sometimes even result in physical force when they cannot slur out the proper profanity.  I still cannot speak of these 'drunks' as me due to complete embarrassment.  There were definitely times when I fell into all of these categories in a blacked out rage; and only my husband holds those awful memories. 

The only thing I know for sure is, honey, I am so sorry I hurt you all those times.  I get ill in my stomach when I think of the what you put up with when I'd drink a lot over the years.  I don't know the extent of it, but I do know no one should have to put up with the way I have acted or treated you while under the influence. Please forgive me for all the sleepless nights I created  for you.  Please accept my apology for making you worry if I'd make it home or if you'd get a phone call from jail the next day.  Please let me make up all those nights you couldn't sleep in the same room with me because I snored or smelled like a liquor bottle.  Please forgive me for hurting you.  I never meant for it to get this bad.  I love you so much and I will make everything up to you.  Remember, in sickness and in health?  I'd like to keep it in that order also.  The older we grow together the better I will become.

Thank you for sticking with me even when you were probably emotionally exhausted.  Thank you for not leaving me rot in some alley somewhere.  Thank you for being the most understanding and patient husband during the past unfortunate incidences.  God, please help us mend what  is broken and work on the future.