Day 15

I'm catching up!  I'd like to reiterate the reasons why I drank alcohol.  Reason number one was an counter-addiction and a cushion of confidence.  That started at age 17 and lasted until I was 20.  Between ages 21-25 it was for pure entertainment.  I went to the bars, had girl's night, and did the whole 21 drinking thing.  I wish more of my friends would've have just told me the truth.  Now, when I look back I just shake my head.  Why didn't my friends say, "We don't want you to come out with us tonight because we don't want to babysit.  You get all weird and blacked out and we cannot tell if your buzzed and having a good time, or ready to go pass out on the street!"  That's what they probably thought at times, but were too nice and continue to include me.

Here is a shout out to the people I have embarrassed, scared, yelled at for helping me while blacked out, wouldn't want to leave, or just got flat out sloppy;  I'm am truly sorry for everything I have done. I am so sorry you had to take care of me.  I am sorry if I ever hurt you.  You all know exactly who you are.  Thank you for keeping me safe and saving my life over and over.  Thank you for being my friend.  If you ever want to meet the new and improved sober me, I would love the opportunity to start over and try again.

While I'm on this note, I'd also like to mention something that will feel natural to anyone who hangs out with me in the future.  Please do not change who you are.  Please do not say you won't drink while you are around me.  Please do not act differently when you are with me.  At first it may feel awkward to you, but I can assure you, drinking doesn't bother me.  It will not make me wish I had one or crave one.  Your drink or beer or wine will not become the main character of my next blog.  I am doing this to change who I am so I can continue to enjoy all of you for the rest of my life.  I actually admire you when you can only have a couple.  It makes me proud of you.  It fascinates me to watch people drink and get drunk. I think it may even help me see with my new eyes and new heart.  Nothing will hurt my feelings or bother me more than you saying you will not drink around me.  I do admire your determination to support me.  Thank you for that.  If you want one great, if you don't want one fine,  just please be honest and don't act differently on my behalf.

I tried to think of a good example of why it'd bother me but this is all I could come up with.  If I have cancer one day and lose all my hair, I don't want you to show up at my house with a shaved head.  I'd probably want to slap you.  Or what if I was on the Atkins diet and we met for dinner.  Would you order a bacon cheeseburger, hold the bun, with a side of fruit and a glass of raw eggs?  No!  How ridiculous is that?  Did you feel bad for reminding me that I had cancer and that I was bald?  Did you instantly gag at the thought of meat and crave fettuccine alfredo with a side of garlic bread sticks?  The point I'm trying to make is if my quitting becomes a big deal I'll think more about alcohol and quitting and the fact that you aren't drinking alcohol because of me and I'm back in alcohol treatment numero uno!  By this time the damage is done and the craving is intense and I'm ready to relapse for EVERYONE's sake.  Whoa!!!!! Did I mention a sign of withdrawal is severely analyzing  everything?  It's not really.  It's just one of my character flaws.  Hee hee.