Day 16

I've talked about what kept me drinking during the ages of 17-20 and 21-25. I'd like to talk about 25-28. These are painful years for me. I don't remember much at all. I repressed most of the bad memories. I developed insomnia during this time. I've always been a person who didn't nap and went to bed late and woke up early. I always thought sleeping was a waste of life. I was afraid to miss a beat. When you cannot shut your mind down, you cannot sleep.

I drank so I could fall asleep. Alcohol is a depressant and it works wonders for relaxation. If only I could have drank 2 cocktails and stopped it would've put me to sleep every night, however, an alcoholic cannot just have 1 or 2. An alcoholic continues until her body is at the point of alcohol poisoning. Some nights I'd quit at 4 or 5. Some nights I'd black out at 7 or 8. On really bad nights, I'd drink myself passed out and wake up feeling fantastic. This is because my body would finally shut down when it had beyond to much. By this time it would be at least 2 or 3 in the morning. I'd get up around 6 for work and start the day again. Did you do the math? They say it takes 1 hour for your body to metabolize and wear off 1 ounce of alcohol. 1 ounce is a 12 ounce beer, a 4 oz. glass of wine, or one mixed drink. They are talking about a standard mixed drink. My cocktails average 2 to 3 ounces per drink. I woke up feeling great because I was still intoxicated.

I am so embarrassed by this reckless cycle. I am disgusted I would even drive to work. I am fortunate I am still alive. Although I have quit I will probably develop liver or bladder cancer for housing poison to this extent for years. I just wanted a good night sleep!?

I'm also very critical of myself. These were pointless and awkward years in my eyes. I was too old to party and still to young to quit. I didn't know where I fit in. I'd party just to feel young again when really I should've been...well I didn't know. Demographically, the expectations in the Midwest are so typical. Most people marry between ages 19 and 24, after they have graduated college and found decent careers. After they are married in the church and have the wedding of their dreams and honeymoon, they buy your first home. Then they proceed to have 2 to 3 children between 25 and 30 and live happily ever after.

I have a problem with doing things backwards. I actually read magazines from the back to front. My timeline is a little off. I did the college thing for a few years after high school, traveled for a few years, then came back home. I proceeded to change 'careers' over 20 times and couldn't find my 'nitch'. I moved in with my boyfriend and we lived in 3 different places until we finally purchased a home. We had our daughter at age 28. We eloped in Colorado at 29. I regretted eloping and wanted the church wedding experience so on our actual 10 year anniversary, we had a small church wedding and reception.

I had a few tragedies during this time that didn't help me slow down on the drinking. At age 26 I went in for my 12 week ultrasound to hear our baby's heartbeat. After 15 minutes of searching, the nurse went and got the doctor. The doctor came in, took one look and said, "There is no heartbeat. The baby is measuring 6 weeks, so it probably died 6 weeks ago." I got in my car and it felt like I swallowed a sock. The pressure on my chest was so intense I couldn't even cry. I began to bawl like a baby and between sobs I'd take a drag of a Marlboro cigarette. I instantly thought of my coping mechanisms, drugs and alcohol. I had quit for 12 weeks and should've kept it that way. I had used the miscarriage as an excuse to begin again. I smoked about 3 cigarettes on my devastating drive home. They mad me so dizzy and lightheaded and tasted horrible. That should've been a sign to stop. I believe I drowned my sorrows in alcohol that night but I don't remember.

I should sum up Day 15 for now though. Yes, I drank to sleep and to numb more pain in my life. Yes, I eventually turned into a narcoleptic drunk. Yes, my body was trained so well, I'd literally get tired at the sound of ice hitting the bottom of a glass in the evening. Yes, alcohol is the root of all evil next to money. No, you do not need alcohol to sleep. No, it doesn't calm the mind and spirit so you can relax. I've been clean for 15 days, and every night I sleep like a rock star. I cannot believe I let myself believe I couldn’t sleep without it for that many years. Alcoholics lie to themselves as well as others. We make up excused and blame. Alcohol takes away your ability to feel.



During these rough years I also got second DWI. The first DWI was when I was 23. I don't remember much about it. I'm not sure if I've repressed these memories or if the years of drinking fried so many brain cells I cannot remember certain times in my life. I'll never forget the second DWI. My husband and I went up to the local tavern and had 2 drinks a piece. I drove the 1 mile home so we could catch the 10 o'clock news. It was a Tuesday evening. When we got home, I pulled in our driveway and put the car in park. As we were unbuckling our seatbelts, a cop came flying in our driveway with his lights on. We approached him as he got out of the car and he read me my MIRANDA rights. I couldn't believe it! He said I swerved, he was correct. I swerved around a dead raccoon a block away from our house. He gave me all the sobriety tests in front of my husband. I passed all of them. He gave me a breathalyzer and I blew a .10. They had recently changed the legal limit to .80 so I was arrested right there and taken to jail.

I'm physically exhausted just talking about this. I've held resentment and anger because of this for years. It is very unhealthy to do that but I wasn't a healthy person. I'm finally taking my negative energy over that night and using it as ammunition in my war to stop teenage girls and moms from making the same mistakes I made. No matter what happened that night, no matter how it went down, the fact is, I drank and I drove and I broke the law. It doesn't matter that I wasn't sloppy drunk at 2 a.m. out driving and almost killing people like some drunks. It doesn't matter if I left a church bazaar and had two 3-2 keg beers and drove to the homeless shelter to volunteer. The point is, you drink and drive and you will get caught and you will be prosecuted.

Later I will paint you a picture of what it feels like to go to jail. You'll never understand why I'd go back to drinking after my horrible experiences.