I cannot believe it! 18 days is incredible. I'm sorry about the last 2 depressing days. The doctor was right! I'm so thankful for the antabuse after Saturday and Sunday. It's crazy how fast your feelings can change. One minute I'm asking the doctor if I need antabuse anymore because I thought I was in the clear with the cravings, and the next minute I'm contemplating taking it because I wanted to relapse so bad I could taste it. It gets more difficult after the two week hump with alcohol, unlike quitting smoking. Weird. I've also fallen into a bit of a depression. I've been uncontrollably tired. I’ve gotten a great night sleep and I’m still yawning all day and I even took a 3 hour nap yesterday so I didn’t have to cope with how crabby I was along with the cravings.
This is going to be a bumpy road, I can already feel it. I’m attempting nearly the impossible with this sobriety plan. My husband drinks and they say it never works out when there is a recovering addict in a relationship with one that uses. I know people who in these relationships. They may not always be the happiest, but I love my husband and I want my daughter to have her mommy and daddy at all times.
My husband went motorcycling yesterday with a huge group of people that I used to run with. It was a beautiful day and I had to work. None of this would’ve normally mattered to me, but yesterday I was depressed and crabby. When I got off work and got home, instead of sitting on the patio in the sun with a big fat cocktail while watching my daughter drive her power wheels around the yard, I found myself hiding indoors to fight the craving. I would normally consider this time as ‘me time’ and then it’d be okay that my husband was gone…again. Thank God she was napping because I was negative and feeling sorry for myself because everywhere I looked was work.
I looked outside and saw all the work that I needed to do in my gardens. Inside the sink was full of dishes, there is laundry to be done, and shit laying everywhere. I work all day and come home to this! Now I’m playing single mom trying to battle my demons and struggle everyday and my husband is out spending money we cannot afford and joy riding on the frickin’ motorcycle!?!?
This is how my yesterday went. I needed a good harsh reminder of why I don’t drink because everything bothered me. That is why I reminded myself of how horrible jail is. I thought I had it rough yesterday, but it can always be worse. I really wanted to just say forget it. I thought I’ll show him; I don’t need to take this antabuse. I’m gonna have a few because if he can go out and do whatever, I’m going to also. These are the stupid thoughts that go through crazy recovering alcoholics’ heads. The sad thing is, the only person I would have truly hurt was myself.
So I put my crabby tired butt to bed and slept for 3 hours. When my husband got home, I just sucked it up, pretended it didn’t bother me as usual and did the household chores. This is what a real desperate housewife does. I’m no Martha Stewart or Terry Hatcher. I have plenty of skeletons in my closet. I’m not cured and I never will be. I’m ashamed of myself but I love my life. I’ll never be perfect but I’ll always try hard to be a better person.
Mondays were my favorite day of the week when I drank because my liver was cashed by then and I was anxious to get back to the real world and some structure. Although I don’t drink, Mondays are still my favorite day of the week because they are like being on home plate and SAFE! I made it through another weekend of temptation.
Do you want to know what the scary part is? I worked Saturday and Sunday and I still had a tough time because it was 60 degrees. I have my work cut out for me this weekend. I have both days off and it’s supposed to be even nicer. I will need to have 10 back up plans for major cravings. I’ll just take it one day at a time and before I know it, we’ll be safe on a Monday.
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My day by day journey of sobriety.
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- I am the wife of an amazing man who has been diagnosed with cancer. I would like to use this blog as a tool to help keep people informed with strictly the facts. WARNING: There may be some feelings and emotions involved also. Please be advised that this will aid as my 'voice' when I cannot speak.
17 comments:
Where oh where do I begin? 1) I think u need a new favorite "outdoor" drink so u don't avoid outside because being outside does WONDERS for depression. 2) Husbands. Hmm. . .just watched a movie last night that talked about accepting our husbands for what they r good at & understanding that they may never be the entire package. It's unlikely actually. So, what can u do?? Have an honest conversation asking him to do what u r doing---one day at a time. Each day do one thing he wouldn't normally do. Lol. And on top of that, when he wants a drink, do something instead like yard work w/u or playing with his daughter.
Just remember, Rome wasn't built in a day so celebrate the little achievements w/the husband just like u do with your own progress.
I can totally relate to the stress leading to a nice big fat drink thing, however, it just makes me lazy and unmotivated, numb. A late afternoon/early evening coffee changes my entire day & gives me the little push I need to make it through bath/bed/reading time with kiddos. And don't forget to give your husband some time & attention & compliments & love.
Oh, I forgot to say that you husband, God love him, needs to get his shit together. He's not a child. He needs to stop doing all of the above & help u. Don't let him be the determining factor in your fight but let him be a positive factor by expecting him to at least stop doing the things that hurt u: drinking, spending money that u don't have, not helping around the house, etc. Work out a plan---now I sound like mom don't I? Tell him to pick a few hours each weekend for his man fun but otherwise shape up!
Oh, and I am TOTALLY annoying this morning commenting so much but I do think that over time it will get easier. Yes, u r an alcoholic and it will always be a temptation but u no longer do drugs. Do u see what I'm saying? There r times u crave the drug u used even now, but u would never touch it. This is the kind of strength & resolve u are capable of. Alcohol, over time, has hurt u & your friends/family far worse than your brief stint with drugs. I think it's safe to say u should view it as the nastiest form of a drug and remember that. It will get easier. Just don't lie to your friends/family & admit when they r drinking that it is hard for you. Okay, too many thoughts in one response. I'll shut up now. Want some incentive? If u stay sober till next spring, I'll fly u out here first class & treat u to an Asian adventure. Want more incentive? Our sister trip is on me. . .oh yeah, should we tell "older sister" about our trip? lol.
18 days. Give yourself 18 pats on the back. That is HUGE, that is monumental. I agree with 'LOST' well said. You know how I don't indulge in drinking. Beer gives me a headache and tired. Wine gives me a headache and tired. Well Sat. night at a birthday party I thought ohh what the hay, I will have a beer and join the crowd. One stinking beer. What did I get that night; lazy. What did I get the WHOLE next day. lazy, headache, mainly very very angry with myself for being so so stupid for wanting to fit in. I fit in just fine (at least I hope I do) without alcohol. You know how a mother wants to sometimes just do it for there kids when they are learning how to do something cuz we can do it quicker and better. Bake, make a bed, get em dressed; but if we have patience and let them do it for themselves they will eventually master the task; well, I wish I could do it for you; well I wished, but now I know (18 days) that you are gonna to be a better person figuring it out all on your own. You are a very remarkable person and it is an honor to call you my daughter. God's blessings to you lil girl.
My prayer for you this morning is. Grandpa Ray send your calming spirit, send your graces to your god-child this morning. She wants to be just like you when she grows up. Amen!
You're partially right saying that you would only be "truly hurting yourself". The truth is we all would be losing if you take that drink. You, your husband, daughter, family and friends. On the Other hand, if you stay strong (and take the Antabuse) you win. We all win. We all get benefit of knowing and growing with you the way The Big Guy intended it to be. You are at a crossroad. Take the high road. When you look back you'll be glad you did. We all will be glad you did. Especially your daughter. So do it for yourself, and it will trickle down to everyone else. Just a thought.
Hey middle sis. I heard that and I totally agree with you! You and I should talk cuz I have another incentive for her besides flying to Asia. Anyway, little sis I think you should have a heart-to-heart with your hubby. From experience, I have learned that guys just don't think like us. They don't realize that they are leaving us high and dry. They think that we enjoy cooking, cleaning, taking care of gardens, kids, etc. They don't realize that we would rather go on a long motorcycle ride, spend money, hang with friends, and ignore all obligations. Some guys are also raised in a way that the woman's job is to do all that. My hubby didn't realize that I thought what he was doing was crap until I told him! He left me to do the stuff you're getting stuck with too. They also don't realize that if they helped us (even a little each day), it would greatly lighten our mental load. TELL HIM! TELL HIM! TELL HIM! Please. I love you.
Well said 'Big Sis' and 'LOST' thanx for being there for our lil girl.
Again - I am proud of you!! Call me sometime and we can go do the kid and girl thing without the guys (since I don't have one now anyway!!! ) I would love to occupy some of your time and get your mind on some other great things (shopping, crafts....) Love you and are so proud of you. It all takes time and a lot of CONVERSATION with your loved ones to tell them just how you feel and what you want from them. Keep it calm but from the heart - and you have a huge heart. Love to you.
So very proud of you!! And I know your hubby's mentality and agree with your sisters. He won't know how you feel unless you tell him - and do it when you are calm and can both talk rationally about it. I've been right in your shoes (man, have I ever) and men do need reminders. So stay strong, you are doing so wonderfully and one day you'll look back with pride and say "that wasn't so bad".
ok so let's think of things to do-when you feel like going and sitting outside in the sun with a "big cocktail" go outside- but instead of that drink- have a popsicle and sit in the sun-it's so refreshing-your getting the sweetness from the popsicle and your vitamin D too-which helps with the sad days! hey and don't feel shy about calling me-I'm not that far away-u know! anyways you do need to talk to your husband and let him know that you need him not only for support menatally and physically so-MAN UP AND DO THE DAMN DISHES! I'm kidding- Anyhoo you are doing a wonderful job and it will get better-I promise!!
I'm commenting on my own post because I want to get in with 'the gang'. Since I have an alterior motive with my blog other than sobriety I'd like to keep the blog focus and verbage as is. But I want to interact with you all as well. Hey mom, Big sis, and lost in translation! You are all so cute and predictable! I love you so much and the support puts tears in my eyes...often. Hey Sarah, I have an idea I'd like to pitch to you soon. You lost Dick (and we all miss him dearly) and you've came a long way and have great ideas and I see Joyce in great pain losing farmer Jim. I intentionally am grieving a AL-cohol, but we all have a lot in common. We'll talk later, I think we need to form our own support group...I'll call you. Hey j-googs! It was nice to see you over easter and I'd like to hang out more. I got the text this a.m. about this weekend, I'll talk to hubby and see if he can work family in ;) I'll text. Thanx Lindsay for being there, you are a great Auntie and you can feel my pain cuz you know your bro's as stubborn as...well...you:) I love you all so much!!!!!!!Thank you
PS-I thought mom's 'accidental' 4 posts were to 'one-up' lost in translation cuz she had 3. hee hee
oh survivor you crack me up girl!! :)
Wow, the blog, the comments, I don't know what was the most entertaining!! Survivor, it was nice to see your additional comment. You sounded more at ease and positive. I agree with Big sis, you need to TELL HIM! He's a clone of his dad, don't ya' know, and I'm sure Lindsay can attest to that, can't ya'. So I think you need to ask him or tell him you need more support. Men just don't get it!! Yes, indeed, you have to keep reminding them about YOUR needs. It's not about them!! Right now it's all about YOU!! Let's beat that into his thick skull. In fact, I think I tried to have the very same talk with him last week. I thought he understood what I was saying. There I go, trying to think I know what a man is thinking!! Huh, how do you like that. Ain't going to happen, is it? So, B, let me know if you need me to do anything, lend an ear, go for a walk with you and the daughter, take a bike ride with you two or whatever. I'm here! You know how to get a hold of me anytime you want or need. Take care. We continue to love you and support you!! J&P
So I have been keeping up on your blogs every day, and I cant tell you how much I am moved by your courage to battle this demon head on! One of your first posts you mentioned that you want people to be able to live their lives and do the things that they like to. For example drinking around you... you said to please not stop doing this... at that point I wanted to say NO, everyone that wants to support you should not be drinking around you, at least this early.
!!! But I thought that it was not my place to say that. But now, I think that you are finding out just how difficult it is. Just like any type of addiction.. Food. I would never encourage over eating for someone battling their weight.
Everyone around you needs to support you in every way possible. It is not for me to say what your husband should and should not do, but if he is as committed as he says he is to your recovery, he should not be drinking around you. Period. I
Depression is a difficult thing... I have suffered from severe depression before and it is very hard to win. Every day you have to wake up and do the opposite of what you really want to do.
Please find time to do something for yourself that nutures you and is healthy. Bubble baths are a wonderful thing.
I also think that communication and honesty are the keys to any relationship. Please talk to your husband and let him know how you are feeling... it is much better to talk about it with him than keep it bottled up!
Thank you for being so honest and letting us help to support you and be a shoulder to cry on. You are in both of our prayers!
I love that u joined the conversation, survivor! Jump in more often--I like it. Oh, and yes, I think mom wanted to "tie" my entry number so take that, mom! lol. ;)
I have one more thing to add. If you ever find yourself feeling guilty for not wanting to do the traditional household woman things or if your hubby ever makes you feel like that's your job and that's what he thought he would get once he got married, I understand. BUT...There's no way in the world you can keep up the house, grocery shop, cook, clean, take care of a kid and husband, keep doctor appts., etc. etc. while basically being the primary income of the household (the traditional man job) AND FIGHT ADDICTION. You need your guy to help out especially since you are the primary money maker most of the time which means you are at work most of the time. Maybe you could cut a deal that when he is laid off, he has to do the traditional woman things and when he starts back up to work, you will find more time to jump back into that traditional woman role. You are spreading yourself too thin and that is enought to drive anyone f-ing crazy and to drink! I love you.
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