Day 24

CRAVOMETER: 0

TODAY’S MOOD: Worried

HOMEWORK: Skip the household chores for a day and do what you actually want to do


I’m still shocked I’ve made it to day 24. I’m worried. I feel like my cravometer should be higher. Why does this seem so easy right now? It’s like I’m waiting for the catch, or failure, or something. It just seems too good to be true.


I know it’s this ‘one day at a time’ concept. Besides my biological family, the longest relationships I ever had in my life are with my husband and alcohol. I got hooked on both my senior year in high school. Forever is a long time. I think the reason I was successful with my relationship with my husband is I take him one day at a time. He cannot make a plan. It absolutely used to drive me to drink, literally. I like a plan of action, goals, organization. He is completely random beyond belief.


When I drank I was unorganized and broke plans. Everything revolved around drinking and so it could change depending on how much I drank. For instance, we could have plans to go to dinner with someone in town and if we had been drinking too much, we would have had to cancel because we couldn’t even drive to town. One time we missed our good friend’s wedding because my husband, despite all of my warnings, got way too drunk and I had to take care of him. I’m still upset about that. My point is it’s easier to stick with  something whether it be a relationship, battling addiction, or even a  procrastination list, if you just take it one day at a time.


Once you ‘get over the hump’ and you start to experience life without your drug of choice, you have this whole new life to enjoy. Living again is so weird. Everything changes. All parts of your body are rewarded. First of all your brain thinks much clearer. It also never hurts from hangovers anymore. Your eyes become whiter and brighter. They become less bloodshot, dehydrated, and jaundice from consumption. You can actually smell a whole lot better. This isn’t necessarily a good thing. It’s actually kind of eye opening and disturbing. Your nose becomes sensitive like your first trimester of pregnancy. And finally there’s your taste. Unfortunately, everything tastes better. I think alcohol fries your taste buds or something. I’ve enjoyed things I never even used to like. One really gross thing I’ve discovered is that I’m a Diet Coke connoisseur. Yes, I still have that addiction to battle. Pop in general tastes so different from place to place. The gross part is I can practically tell you when the last time each place had their pop lines cleaned by the flavor of the drink. I’ve actually became quite the beverage germaphobe. Trust me, if there is a canned pop option, do take it.


You begin to experience many firsts. I had my first fire on our patio fireplace without alcohol. It was my husband, daughter, myself and a diet Dr. Pepper. It was very relaxing and we even had some of my favorite drinking buddies stop in and we visited for hours. I actually enjoyed it very much. Had I been drinking I wouldn’t have been able to relax and I would’ve been getting up every 5 seconds to get someone a drink, a blanket, more beer, a drink, popcorn anyone?, a snack. I never used to relax. This is so amazing. I went on my first motorcycle ride and when we stopped at a bar on the lake to enjoy the sunshine and the view, I ordered a diet coke. That felt soooo weird. I feel awkward saying diet without the Bacardi, it’s like a foreign language to me. The scenery was beautiful.


Another odd thing about quitting drinking is many of your ‘theories’ from the past become false. Anything that went wrong in the past was easy to blame on alcohol. Alcoholics are huge blamers anyway, it is NEVER their fault. I thought my morning aches and pains and headaches were from hangovers. It turns out our mattress is just old. I blames my weight on my daughter but then she turned 3 and I couldn’t do that anymore. So I started blaming my weight on alcohol. Now that I’ve quit and I’m 24 days in and not a pound lighter, I’m tempted to blame it on my thyroid:) It’s hard to teach an old dog new tricks.


I’d like to develop and exercise addiction. I want to feel good and experience that natural high and energy. I think this would be a huge missing piece to my happiness puzzle. I really need to take this concept one day at a time because if I say I’m going to exercise 3 days a week for an hour each day it’ll never happen. If I say I’ll work out for 10 minutes every other morning it’ll never happen. If people encourage me or try to get me to exercise it’ll never happen. When people give me annoying ‘subtle’ hints that I need to lose weight or exercise, I go four steps back.


This is something I need to take one day at a time and if I take of walk one day and feel the benefits and then another day take my daughter on a bike ride, I may be able to start a healthy fun habit that also will benefit my body. I think the annoying thing is that other people are more bothered by my body than I am. It’s actually quite comical. I’d rather be a very genuinely caring and nice person who is a little overweight than skinny and unhappy.


Going through life unhappy and judging people and talking about people and worrying about what everyone else is doing or not doing has to be such an annoying way to live. The negative outweighing the positive every day would be exhausting. I like to work hard for things so I appreciate them. I don’t like to do things the easy way either. I’m a glutton for punishment and I learn from my mistakes. If I’ve created my body size and I’m unhappy with it I will be the one to fix it on my own terms. I will never do it the easy way and have surgery like so many do. Now, if I had $10,000 just burning a hole in my pocket then I may feel differently.


A lot of people ask me if I’m pregnant or when I’m due. A lot of people tell me I could lose a couple pounds. A lot of people drop unsubtle hints. My problem is that I’m not vain. I tend to look at my priorities. You would think I’d try to lose weight as soon as I spent my first dollar in Lane Bryant. What nobody knew and what was really holding me back was my alcoholism. Why go on a diet and exercise when you are going to go home and polish of a 1500 calorie bottle of sugar?


I believe in taking care of the problem inside before you even attempt the outside. I was suffering day in and day out. I prayed every morning for the last five years in the shower that God would help me quit. I went to bed ashamed and woke ashamed. Everything and everybody reminded me of how fat I had become and I was just crying and screaming for help on the inside to quit drinking. Finally, 24 days ago, God answered my prayer. I just woke up decided to quit, made the doctors appointment, got really drunk the night before for one last hoorah, and that was it. I was done. I can still fell many of the wounds healing and there are many battle scars, but it was worth the run.


When you become healthy inside, this magical thing happens. You start to notice things change on the outside. You may physically be identical to your old self, but your inside starts to creep out and the new you starts to come out to say hello. When you feel better inside you can make better decision that affect your outside. You begin to shine from the inside out.


God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.