Day 25

“The only thing to fear is fear itself.” FDR was right. I have this theory and fear that once we find our purpose in life and ‘God’s will be done’, we die. I believe God’s will is our purpose, and everyday I get closer to life’s purpose I am that much closer to death. Maybe that is could be the reason I tend to hold onto the past and have difficulty healing. I could be making mistakes subconsciously to buy time. Fear is scary and it slows you down.



We begins as an infant, and as we near death, we regress back into our infant state. In my experience, this holds true to the people that die of old age. I worked in the nursing home for years, and the elderly become incontinent like an infant. We change them and bathe them. Then when they get even older, they cannot eat food without choking so we puree their food so they eat. Most start to talk gibberish and they are hard to understand. When you don’t know what they are saying they lash out and express them selves physically. When they are really close to death they even begin to see their parents. They even talk to their parents. It is quite the phenomenon. It’s also very sad because generally once they talk about “mommy and daddy” they are days from death. This isn’t one of my theories, this is how we age and it holds true for 90% of the residents I worked with on comfort care. Comfort care is when the dying process begins. All machines and medicines are withdrawn. The only thing generally given is morphine so they rest comfortably without pain.


Experiencing us age backwards was scary and an eye opener. The healthier I get the closer I feel to the end. My sister-in-law was recently looking for a tennis partner because there’s a court a block from her home. I instantly told her “I’m game!” I was so excited to do something I used to love to do. Then my fear interrupted. I used to play tennis with my best friend when I first moved to Omaha. We were inseparable! We used to play tennis in 5th, 6th, and 7th, grade. We’d just do in for fun at the local court. It wasn’t competitive at all. I miss those innocent days.


I’m scared to begin this non-competitive, alcohol free sport with my sister-in-law. Not only is it a step in the right direction, but its one step closer to the end. Playing tennis when I was 11 and 12 represents one of the last sober memories I had before my addiction swooped in. My friend’s dad was in the military so it was inevitably she moved away eventually. The move hit me hard though. I was so devastated and lost without her. She was a genuine person with a huge heart and a good head on her shoulders.


The new friends who took me under their wing, later drug me down, literally. This is when life began to end. I met one bad influence after the other. I was 400 miles away from my Catholic school and church and most importantly…God. The devil had a blast with my youth. I was easy prey.


I look back at the innocence that was ripped off of me and wish my friend had never left. I wonder what life would’ve been like had she stayed. Ironically, she is in the other side of the country studying what I’ve always wanted to be. She will move onto become what I dreamed of. I am very proud of her and happy for her and hopefully one day I will reconnect with her and live vicariously through her. I didn’t kept in touch due to shame. She wouldn’t have recognized me. She was in a whole other league and wouldn’t understand my world anymore. I wouldn’t be the girl she remembers.


I don’t like to dwell on the past or do the “what if” thing. I will admit I am still nervous to get back on the tennis court. Although I will enjoy it deep down I will have to find peace with being one step closer to the end of my journey. If my timeline follows my theory, I will have 11 good years left.


I wonder if living with this fear that my time is limited as I near my purpose is like finding out you have cancer and you only have so much time to live. Whether my theory is right, or if history repeats itself and I am totally wrong, I am going to treat each day as if it were my last.


If we would all just practice a little more integrity, compassion, and the power of positive thinking, and top it off with a lot of God; this world would be so much healthier for our children and grandchildren.