Day 31

When God leads you to the edge of the cliff, trust Him fully and let go. He’ll either catch you when you fall or he’ll teach you how to fly. I love this! I got this in an email from a dear friend and I have finally got my wings. I cannot wait to give them a test run. I’m still in training.

Odd things have been happening at my house. For instance, since I quit drinking, I have gotten my daughter to bed 2 hours early than her old bedtime. She gets a bath, puts jammies on, brushes her teeth, and then I read her books. I got my first library card in my adult years. Another first! I get four to five new books from the library each day and I read them to her. Then she crawls up the ladder to the top bunk of her new bunk bed and I read her ‘Five Little Sleepyheads’ and ‘The Going to Sleep Book’. She always makes me read ‘Five Little Sleepyheads’ twice. I inserted a picture of her on the last page so when it says “...and goes to sleep so that leaves YOU!”, I move my hand and there she is. She giggles every time. It makes have to read the same book twice so worth it.

I know I’ve gotten quite the response in the past when I bring up the painful truth of my past, but it is a very important part of treatment. I don’t do it to dwell on the past. This will be the third alcohol treatment I’ve been through. The only difference is that I’ve created it. I finally know what works with my personality type. The other treatment programs didn’t add wonderful moments to my life and quickly build new fresh sober memories. This is my way of making even the slightest urge to drink a deadly move. There was a lot at stake before, but now I would lose so much more.

The reason my daughter is willing to go to bed two hours earlier than when I drank is she enjoys her new mom. She didn’t know any different before. Now that she sees what I’m capable of, I want it to stay that way. Normal for her used to be going to bed without a bath, without someone to read to her, and without being tucked in. When it was dark outside it meant mom was probably going to pass out soon. She would then find my limp body, whether it be in a chair, on the couch, or in bed, and snuggle herself to sleep next to my non responsive body. She’d fall asleep in the same clothes she wore that day without brushing her teeth. No one read to her. No one came when she called.

This wasn’t every night. I did try to get her tucked in before I ‘hit the bottle’ most of the time, but if I’d start early this was what I imagine she did. I don’t honestly know because I don’t remember. This is so difficult to talk about. I never want to go back there. I never want to be that monster again. I will make it my goal to outweigh every bad memory with dozens of good ones.

Step 5 - Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

Here is one the twelve steps of sobriety. They are steps used by some of the greatest recovery centers in history. The hardest part is admitting our wrongs to another human being. But it is important to be accountable.

God, please forgive me.